samuelh

All on the table
2001-03-30 11:29:24 (UTC)

I feel the depression coming..

I feel the depression coming back.

I thought I had it controlled with the thyroid medication,
but I didn't understand depression well enough. For
most people, the brain chemistry plays a part, but the
environment plays a big part, too. The situations and
circumstances are enough to push the mind back into
the hole - if I give in to them.

That's what the face of depression looks like, too. It's
kind, soothing, and condescending:

"It cannot be as bad as you think it is."

"What are you fighting for?"

"You need to let go of those principles and take the
easy road."

"Is it worth all that effort?"

"Don't you just want the struggle to stop?"


I don't want to give in - I have so much before, but it is
pulling at me so hard.

My wife isn't intentional in trying to drag me back into
this depression, but that is exactly what she's doing.
For two days, she's cut off any discussion of the
principles and issues. She wants to believe that if I
smile at a joke she tells, that I don't dislike her and I
don't want to leave her. She wants to believe if we can
have a positive discussion about the day's schedule,
that we can have a positive life together. She just
wants the pain to stop, too, and she wants to do that by
ignoring it.

So, everything around me is pulling at me, pulling me
back into this hole where I won't care any more. I won't
care about how bad the marriage is, I won't care what
example we're setting for my daughter, and I won't care
about how I'm manipulated...

...because I won't care about me any more.

I don't know how much longer I can live under this roof
and not give in.

Samuel
[email protected]