30 and Trying to Love It
2001-11-29 20:34:47 (UTC)


You gotta love it. I tell my doctor that I have been
depressed on and off for a while and that I think it might
be my birth control. You know what he says? "I don't
think so. I'll give you another kind of birth control, but
I want you to take this Prozac too. You will be calling me
in two weeks, saying it's good stuff and I'll write you a
prescription." That's how it started.

I've only been taking it for two days and I already wish
that I had never told my husband about it. I know that he
feels that taking depression meds is wimping out and that
doesn't help the way I feel about myself and the
situation. Maybe I'd just be better off locked up in the
nut house where I can't bother anyone but myself. I
actually wasn't feeling too bad about it (for the most
part) until I read his journal entry where he brought it
up. Thanks. I already felt stupid for having to take the
god damned medication anyway. What's wrong with me that I
have to have drugs to fix it? That's not normal....Well
you know what I figured out recently....There ain't no such
thing as NORMAL. Normal is a tag that our society has put
on acceptable behavior and if it's not acceptable, then
it's not normal. "Normal people wouldn't do that!"
Bullshit...you wouldn't do that, but that doesn't mean that
someone else wouldn't.

It's shit like that that makes me want to give up on the
whole damned human race. I'm sick and fucking tired of
being told that something isn't normal. Usual maybe, but
not NORMAL. I am really getting to hate that word. "If
you were NORMAL, you wouldn't need the medication." What

All I want to do is enjoy life. Can't even do that anymore
because now I am a freak that takes Prozac. What did I do
wrong? I never used to be like this. I was never NORMAL,
but I had a good time and enjoyed life. I don't even know
when I stopped being the person I remember as me. What
does it matter anyway? I know there are people that care,
but if I tell them what I am feeling, they will just look
at me like a freak and I am tired of feeling that way so
why would I want to put myself in that position again?

I can't win. I guess it just doesn't matter anymore.