Wingless Ramblings
2001-11-29 02:32:59 (UTC)


Wednesdays are always the worst, it's the one day of the
week when I have four classes and then have to work
afterwards. I usually end up taking a nap between my third
and fourth classes, after lunch, and today I fell asleep but
woke up with a gasp to realize I wasn't really falling. I
don't know if I've ever had a dream like that, but it was
really pretty scary. I don't know where I was falling from,
or if I had jumped, slipped, or been pushed, I just had the
horribly terrifying feeling of falling and losing control.
I've actually heard that if you dream you're falling that
means that you feel a lack of control over your life, which
would pretty much sum up my life right now. I feel like now
that I'm 21, a real adult, I should have some measure of
control over my life, but at the same time I can be so
immature sometimes, and I almost expect my parents to still
be the ones who take care of me. It's like I need someone
to take care of me, I feel like I can't even take care of
myself. I really don't know why R. puts up with me, or why
he loves me so much, it's insane all the stuff he has to
deal with. On a good day I might say that I deserve R.,
that he's the best thing that's ever happened to me, but I
think really only the best of the best deserve someone like
him. He is the sweetest, most loving, patient and
understanding boyfriend I could ever imagine having... it
absolutely blows my mind that I'm his first girlfriend, that
he felt so awkward around girls before me that he had never
had any sort of real relationship with anyone. Weird. It's
incredible that he accepts me as I am, and nothing more,
faults and all. Because hey, I know I've got more than a
few faults, and I can't believe that anyone could be that

The weird thing is though (you're probably going to think
I'm nuts, maybe I am) is that I'm an athiest, but I believe
in angels. I've met a few angels in my lifetime, I believe,
people who had just the most heavenly presence that they
almost couldn't have been mortal. These are the people who
inspire me on a daily basis, although what happened with all
of them is that they helped me through a period of crisis,
and then disappeared, or at least lost contact with me. The
strangest thing of all is that I don't get the feeling that
R. is an angel, I get the feeling that he's very mortal. I
suppose that's a good thing, because all the angels I've
encountered in my life have left me after the crisis was
over and there job was done. R. tells me over and over that
he'll never leave me, that he wants to spend the rest of his
life with me. I can't help but want to believe him, and as
the days pass, I am getting closer to actually believing it
might happen.