Pandora's Box
2001-11-28 23:28:09 (UTC)

11/28/01 1 banana 1.5 cups..

1 banana
1.5 cups steamed rice

3:16 p.m.
I had a pretty decent birthday. I went to the DJ Battle. This
cutie came up and said happy birthday (which my roomate insists was
a coincidence, but I really think that someone said something). Got
a huge card from most of the floor. Felt really loved for a bit. It
was nice.
I've lost in three days what it would take me a week to
lose 'the right way.' I don't know if I'll ever eat normally again.
I'm sure I'll have to figure outa way to fake it when I go home, but
other than that...
Today I was so jittery and tired and light-headed I got scared.
I ate a banana. I figured I was that way because I had taken
Xenadrine and not eaten and not taken a multi-vitamin. So I had some
rice and took a multi-vitamin. Strangely, all I want to do is sleep.
I guess it's not so bad; when you sleep you aren't hungry.
I woke up this morning dreaming of rice. It's all I thought
about during my POSC discussion, all I thought about while I watched
and MC/Break-dancing battle, all I thought about on the way back to
my room. I don't think rice ever tasted so good to me. And I got it
in one of those cups so that I could measure how much I ate. I had
about 315 calories, which is fine. I'm starting to worry about my
body going into starvation mode, though (I've been under 900
calories and under 20 grams of fat for about 3 days now) so I think
I may have 1200 calories worth of fruit tomorrow. No breads, though.
Maybe no starch. I'm finally getting to a place where I can go to a
food place and see muffins and cheesecake and burgers and not want
them. That feels REALLY good. I can't be around pizza, though. I
crave it too much when I smell it.
Hunger is beginning to feel exhilarating. Almost euphoric.
Especially now that I can control it. I used to get hungry and just
scarf anything and everything I could. Now I get hungry and sit with
it until those pangs are physically uncomfortable; until my stomach
makes noise and those sharp pains are hardly bearable. I wallow in
it until it hurts. Then I eat something, not much; just enough. I
can eat slowly instead of frantically. I eat rice with chopsticks. I
eat fruit one bite at a time. I never eat all of anything. Just
enough to make the pain stop. And it does for awhile. It's as if my
stomach knows that this is all it'll be getting for a long time (I
only have one major meal a day, everything else is fruit. And bread
only every other day. And only one bread. And no dairy, if I can
help it, except salad dressing. And only 1 tablespoon). It's a
power trip. Power over myself, power over my family with all of
their eating habits, power over my mother and all of her comments.