jane_doe

a little piece of me
2001-11-28 23:06:28 (UTC)

not again...

well, i started getting depressed again night before last.
i'm fine today. the pattern has changed a little, and i
don't know why. now, i get depressed for a day or two,
then i'm fine for a few days, then depressed again for
another day or two then i'm fine...very odd. i told brett
how i was feeling last night, and his reaction kinda
surprised me. he told me that he couldn't help fix
something if he didn't know it was broken, and he wanted me
to tell him when i felt this way. i realized that i got so
worried about telling brett based on the way michael
reacted, and that was a really shitty thing of me to do.
brett and michael are two completely different people, and
i need to quit thinking that brett is going to turn out
like michael. it's not fair of me to reject him without
even giving him a chance. so, i'm going to stop right
now. no more freaking out, thinking brett is going to
leave me when i tell him these things, or thinking that
he'll think i'm stupid (as was the case with michael-hell,
he flat out told me he though i was stupid, and weak and
whatever).

so anyway, now that i've made that decision, i am once
again feeling better. you would think i would figure these
things out sooner. i dunno...all my past relationships
have been kinda shitty, so i guess i went into this one
with brett thinking it was going to be the same. that's
totally unfair to brett. no more of that. i need to
appologize to him for being a real pain in the ass last
night. i have to go paint tonight, so i might not get to.
i really do need to because i feel terrible. i love him so
much and i don't want to lose him because of something this
stupid. he's totally amazing--smart, funny, sweet,
romantic, caring, ambitious, sexy, and hotter than hell
(and that just touches the surface of the things that make
him so amazing). hehe. i hope he doesn't read this.
might give him a big head.

in other news, my painting teacher gave me some feedback on
how i'm doing in her class. i'm getting an a (yay!).
lol...she was picking on me because all of my paintings are
very smooth (dreamy, she says). she told me to show a few
brush strokes...lol. i just can't do that! i've tried,
and i like it when other people do it, just not when i do
it!! i got the entire background done on my fourth
painting (there are 16 squares...4 dk green, 4 light green,
4 dark brown, and 4 light brown). i have 2 almost done
(one has one of mujah's feathers in it, the other is a
shell). we have to do a collage type thing, with a
different object painted in each square. since i'm really
into animals and nature, i picked up stuff like leaves and
sticks and acorns and such. some of the objects are going
to overlap other squares, and some are going to be blown up
so that you can only see part of it...it could turn out ok,
if i can just get it done by next week! lol.

alright, well i need to head back to the art building and
get cracking. going to work on my first painting. the new
one is to wet too do much more on today. take care
everyone.

jane_doe