AdorableAlwayz

My journal of finding myself
2001-11-28 22:36:49 (UTC)

Am I a baby??...Nov.28-01

Im sitting here listening to Jewel again. This Cd brings so
much out of me. I feel so guilty. I told something on a
friend that I feel I shouldnt have. People say its right
but was it?? Me and my best friend Micah got in another
fight. All she talks about is her boyfriend Jet. Jet this,
Jet that. I just couldnt take it anymore!! I've probley
done the same thing. I mean I do miss Jake. I haven't
called him in 2 days, although I left a message on his cell
phone today. I know he won't call back. After knowing some
one for 5 years and then this happens. It makes you wonder
what everyone else you know is thinking and feeling that
you don't know about. I constanly hear "your a psyhco', Im
not a psyhco. Im the kind of person that takes alot of
things out of porportion. I feel so guilty. These people
make me feel so cold and useless. I've often thought about
sucide. Why would I want to do that? Its like I do things
to make people feel sorry for me because thats the only way
they'll notice me. They ignore me most of the time. All Im
good for is someone to just go have fun with, make someone
smile or whatever. But I am so much more. I have feelings,
I fall for people. But If I express how I feel, these
people keep running away. I guess whatever I feel is like
nothing them. They crush me so bad. I guess Im someone to
run all over. Thats what they do to me. I hurt so bad not
just emotionally but physically. Im sick..I have a stomach
disease. What if something happened to me? It makes me
wonder if these people are still going to be there. What I
wonder so much about is what people will say when Im gone
and dead. Its like they'll say "Im glad shez gone" Or
they'll be sad for one second and then never think about me
again. I regret all the things I have told these people. I
can't trust anyone anymore. I am the type of person who can
let everything out. Im outgoing. But when I start to hold
things in that I dont know how to let out. Then I scare
myself. I look in the mirror and I dont see that person I
use to see. People use to think I was the goody-goody
type..I didn't cuss, smoke or do anything. I hated people
who did any of that. Then last year people like turned on
me, I was drawn to people who I thought were just like
me.but werent. These people werent stable. I started
smoking, and then cussing. Now I cant quit smoking..and its
almost been a year. Im PETIFUL!! I try my best to still be
the sweet person, but my heart is like torn to pieces. I
smile but its only fake. Im so insecure. I feel i can't
match up to anything or anyone. No one will stay with me,
no one will accept what Im trying to go through. I know I
scare them, because they might be going through the same
thing. But If they are....Why can't they accept the way I
am and how hard Im trying?? Im trying so hard for myself
and others..Basically for them. I hear "Dont worry about
other people" and then the next minute I hear "Don't worry
about youself!" Then what Am I supposed to do??? Wait here
Untill my whole life goes by!! I dont know, Thats why Im
asking you.
-Jess




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