bluff before i

my life, my world, my mind, my soul
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2001-11-28 20:36:31 (UTC)

affraid??

i'm kind of at school right now waiting for my friend to
get out so that we can head over to the library. i'm bored
and out of my mind...i'm a little behind on a big project
that i need to do to graduate from high school...okay i'm
not just a little behind, i'm waaay behind. i've been
affraid about not graduating and now i'm affraid of letting
my boyfriend down. he said that that's the only thing about
me that bugs him. does that mean that if i fail to graduate
that he'll dump me?? i don't know what this means.

this whole sexual thing that was between us has been gone
for a while and now i feel it coming back. and now i'm
affraid of that too. it scares me because our relationship
was going so well and i don't want our relationship to be
based on just the sexual stuff. i like to just kiss him,
and to hold him, or to be held by him. it's fun. and then i
feel like he feels obligated to do some of those things.
and sometimes i'm affraid of myself because i'm not used to
these feelings where i want more than that...gosh, i
thought that i was supposed to be a christian. it feels
like it's just not me. like my body takes over my
mind...wait this isn't making much sense to me because i
know that it's not my body...and it never had anything to
do with my mind...it's my heart. i know i love him and it's
like i just want something different and sweet and amazing
to happen...it doesn't feel wrong to me. not while he means
a lot to me...we're still young though. i know i can wait.

noooo...a really close guy friend of mine is moving schools
and i know that i'm gonna miss him. i'm affraid that i
will never see him again. it's weird because i always look
forward to seeing him everyday. he's nice. he's sweet. he
has a really great smile that can brighten up anyones day.
he's always happy, always positive. who can take his
place?? and worse!! his sister is leaving too...they're
both the nicest, cheeriest people i know. i'll miss them a
lot. :(

^^^looks like i'm affraid of a lot of things right now...


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