Wingless Ramblings
2001-11-28 08:22:33 (UTC)

On virginity, or the lack of...

I actually DID something today besides sleep... way to go
me. I swear, I was born a bear, born to hibernate. I am
addicted to sleep, I can't get enough of it. I'd sleep all
day long if I could get away with it... too bad I can't pass
my classes and also sleep as much as I'd like.

So instead of sleeping, I worked on my anthropology project
that I've been putting off forever, and actually read my
Spanish book for class. The anthropology project is about
virginity and why people today stay virgins, expecially at
our age in college, when most have had at least the
opportunity to lose their virginity. I surveyed 41 people,
and found out that 19 of them were virgins... it makes me
feel even more slutty for losing my virginity to T. last
year just because I was tired of being a virgin. What a
stupid reason -- I still, a year later, cannot get him out
of my mind, how he didn't love me although I thought I loved
him, and how later he told me that I was just a number in
his book. You know, that's like the most awful thing you
could say to someone... besides when he said later that I
was stupid for trying to commit suicide by overdosing, I
should have just bought a gun and shot myself in the head.
Where do I meet these guys? Oh wait, don't remind me, on
the internet.... I am way too fucked up for my own good.

I've also been thinking about the people I hang out with,
that I've always felt like I'm way too different from the
"average" person to form any sort of close relationship with
them. I tend to choose people who are not healthy, people
who use drugs, are horribly depressed, crazy in the head, or
all of the above. Strangely enough, I've never been into
drugs, I just can't see myself ever using them to escape --
I think I'm too masochistic to let myself escape from my
misery. A., my only friend here on campus, lost her
virginity to J., her ex-boyfriend who was into drugs but
apparently seduced her for one night and they did it
together, under the premise that they'd get together again.
He still hasn't called and it's been four days, so prospects
look slim for any chance of reconcilliation... I feel so bad
for A., she's been through so much shit this year, and being
used is the last thing she needs right now. Maybe worse is
that the condom broke, and then J. told her that he had
slept with quite a few women (this was after they had slept
together) within the last six months, and hasn't been tested
for "awhile". God, I'd be freaking out, that would be so
horrible to not know if you had AIDS or chlymidia or
gohorrhea or herpes or HPV or whatever. And the first time,
to have the condom break... that I know would definitely
make me think twice about casual sex.

At the same time, with all the bad shit that's going on, I
feel so lucky to have R. who truly loves and cares about me,
and who even says he wants to marry me. I still, even after
nine months, think I'm dreaming most days, especially when I
go to sleep in his arms and wake up and he's still there. I
keep expecting something disasterous to happen, like for him
to be killed in a car accident or for him to leave me or
something, whatever disaster, to end the magic. I'm simply
not that lucky. If there were a God, I would thank her
every single day for R.'s existence, because he keeps me
from falling over the edge of sanity into insanity, which I
think I very well might do if I didn't have R. to confide in
and to trust with my thoughts. I regret losing my virginity
to T. before I was with someone I truly loved, and wish now
that I could have saved it for R. But hey, hindsight vision
is 20/20, right? At the time, I never thought that I would
meet someone like R., so why the hell should I save my
virginity for some day that may never come? Oh well, what's
done is done.

Yawwwwnnnn.... time for bed, it's late.