hello kitty cat
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2001-11-28 06:55:46 (UTC)

Have I been playing lets pretend?

I've always thought that Alex and I connected on a level
that my other friends (not counting Jason)in Austin
couldn't even compare to. I question it now. Maybe I don't
understand her at all anymore...maybe I never did.
She was supposed to sleep over tonight..I think that I
kinda forced her to come to Katy's in the first place...she
didn't seem like she wanted to go so I guess I fucked up
from the start. My Dad might have gone out of town tonight
but she was still going to stay...but then she
that look on her face ...the one that screams "I want to be
bck in my house..why the fuck did I come ???"..where she
looks really irritated ..but doesn't say anything about
it.....etc...So I feltbad.
I probably misundersatnd her a lot. Maybe I've always
misunderstood her..maybe I was pretending tha twe connected
on any level...because I think she looks at me as this poor
ditsy dumbass sometimes...
I guess I tend to try and read peoples minds..and usually
get completely different ideas from "reading them" ... I
hardly ever learn what they're ACTUALLY
It just seems to me that she always wishes herself away...
She can't deal with being here..which I understand to an
extent..but I try and live each day...each day trying to
remember how much I have...I would be miserable if I
focused on how great IL ..or even PA is compared to
Austin..but then I think of all I've learned about myself
here..about people...and all the new experiences I've had.
It's's corny..but it's true, everytime I move I'm
forced to grow.
She just puts so much meaning in NYC sometimes...and I
understand why she would. It sucks here. It really does.
She must look at NYC as a perfect haven..she kind of lives
in the past though..she refuses to see any good in Austin.
My friend told me "it's a lot easier to look at a place
from a couple hundred miles away than to have to feel it
everyday." and that's what I think..I think it looks
great..because its home to's what she's always
Maybe I'm just a terrible friend. Maybe I'm not giving her
a chance..maybe she's not giving me a chance. I give too
much I think...
She obviously doesn't think we ever were very close...
I don't know why I let it bother me..I jsut thought that
out of all my "Friends" Alex was really there...but I don't
She thinks I don't undersatnd her..but really..she doesn't
understand me...
She shouldn't let hate rule her....that's why she tends to
be so unhappy I think...whatever..I am probably looking for
things that aren't there anyway..
I'm not eventhinking straight I'm so tired.
I miss Jason.
I can't even fathom the idea of having him a few hundred miles
away....I don't know how they do it. It must hurt ...
more than anything I've ever felt...
How can I misshim so much when he left like an hour ago???

*I need to stop feeling guilty about how I AM.
fuck it.

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