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2001-11-28 06:04:47 (UTC)

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Why would any man in thier right mind want to have
anything to do withme, let alone marry me. I do have guys
ask me out, or tell me they think I'm beautiful, and that's
so sweet. But..I'm pregnant..not only that, but I have
another child that's 8, and I've been married twice. I am
the poster girl for disfunctional relationships and bad
judgement and now I'm going to have two children. No one
wants that..it's an instant family. And it's someone
else's. I feel like I'm the worst example of what someone
should date..and when it comes to sex, I'll be fat as a cow
in a few months and no one seems like they remember that.
All they saw is "You're beautiful" "You're sweet""You're
sexy" But I won't be beautiful and sexy much longer. And I
wonderif they know that. I ask them if they'll still think
I'm sexy when I'm as big as a house..and they always say I
wo't stay that way or some such. No I won't, but after I'll
have a baby. I newbon baby that requires almost all of my
attention and care. I kinda went through this after my
first divorce..who would want an 18 year old divorcee with
a kid..I found people..but I wasn't pregnant..it's one
thing to raise the child of one man..it's another to raise
the dhildren of two different men. And the one man I know
that wouldn't care whose kids they were, doesn't know if
he's ready to date someone with two kids. I feel like ...I
don't know..like I've got some sort of communicable disease
and it's not a bad one, it's rather pleasant, but noone
wants it. No matter what I do or say, they just either
don't think about the consequences, or they do and I'm not
worth it. *sighs* I don't want to just have sex with random
people then et left behind when I'm too fat for them. I
want to be loved and love in return. I want people to
realise I'm not going to be thin forever. I feel like
sitting down and crying, or jus decairing I'll neverhave
anything else to do with me, but everytime I think about
that..Ican't do it. I've looked too long and dreamt and
hoped for too long to just give up. I hate giving up. I
love my children with all my heart. And I don't think I'm a
slut or a whore. In nine years I've had two children, even
though the desire to have a baby has been so strong in me I
can taste it since Kira was a year old. And marriage. All
I've wanted my whole life was a nice family and a warm ,
loving husband, children, a nice house. I've wanted a
beautiful wedding. Weddings depress me to the point that I
can't go to them most of the time. I just can't take seeing
the bride and groom and knowing I may never have that. I
have a gorgeous wedding dress in my closet with these clear
vinyl shoes that look like glass slippers and a gorgeous
veil with little pearls all through it..it's fabulous. And
whenever I'd see a baby or a pregnant woman..I'd just want
to burst into tears. I'm such a mess. I don't know how well
I'll take care of this baby and Kira too, but I'll do my
damdest to do it.. And I have lots of help. I just..I'm
such a horrible example of what a mother should be and do.
I haven't graduated from HS yet, I play rp games all the
time, I have 98% male friends, I like to hang out and wath
movies, I don't go out with Kira enough. ANd I'm going to
be a mother with two children..not that I've been diovorced
twice and had two children from that.I've got two children
and one's from before the marriage and the other is because
I wasn't careful enough. Whatkind of example is that for
Kira? What am I telling her? I don't want her to do this
when she grows up, and this certainly is nothing like I
planned having my kids. I don't believe in staying in a
relationship for the children, I think it's wrong... it
ends up worse on the kids in the end, but I mean...I feel
like a faiure to them..them. I'm sorry I've rambled on so
much. I'll stop now.

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