Joshin Jane

"will you take me as i am"

i can't love myself.
i don't know how.
i see a horrible person when i look into the mirror, when i
look at everything i have but don't deserve.
for what my parents and my friends invest in my, i could be
so much better.
my mom called grandma to complain about me this afternoon
and grandma reinforced her complaints, calling me selfish
and spoiled.
it's some kind of prohibition or something that
grandparents aren't allowed to say that stuff about their
grandkids, especially grandmothers.
it's not supposed to be in their natures.
they bake cookies and read bedtime stories and spend too
much on gifts, but they don't badmouth their grandchildren.
clearly, i am seriously flawed....damaged goods, ha.
and i'm just thinking now, about everything that's wrong
with me, and i need either a boyfriend or a cigarette,
preferably both, and i can't stop crying and god, what's
wrong with me?

i got my grades at advisor lunch; my mom pounced on them
when i came home after practice.
she didn't say a word about any of my better grades, nota
single word, but told me that my GPA was too low and that
what happened with chemistry last term was unacceptable.
dad helped me with math after he came home from worl.
i couldn't understand anything he tried to show me.
i felt so lost.
i felt so scared, more scared than i was about tryouts.
he yelled at me for making a stupid mistake, and he didn't
mean to, he was just tired, but i started crying and it's
been 15 minutes but it's still coming.
how can i learn to support myself?
i mean, i don't want these journal entries to be a huge
pity party, even if I write them for myself.
i don't have as much teen angst as my writing portrays, it
just seems like it when the only thing constantly on my
mind is my own fickle existance.
i want to pick myself up from a bad day or a misspoken
word, not rush to the keyboard or clutch the phone or bury
myself in my music.