angryanymore

dilate

... ok... i just realized that basically i've been
venting... and haven't been explaining what's actually
going on in my life right now... at least not in an
organized fashion.

kolby has faded away. finally. you remember him of course?
the first love? the corrupter? in fact... amanda brought me
a type of certificate... that is proof of the mountain i
have climbed. ... i can say with no reservation... he was a
sick bastard who was underserving of the love and affection
i so generously gave him... ... but... i thank him for
occuring in my life... because i have learned from my war
scars.- and i'm not sorry that it happened... because i've
learned several of life's truths from the experience. ...
and he was right... its easy to pretend he doesn't exist
now that i've gotten the hang of it.

gabe... well... what can i say that you haven't already
heard? he's absolutely amazing... everything i've ever
wanted... ... ya know.. the prince charming that i
imagined as a kid... the tall guy with long hair and no
problems twirling around at memphis in may... ... the guy
that i can't get enough of. ....... who kissed me so
perfectly... i really and honestly didn't know what do with
myself... ... well... his ex girlfriend who has
kinda... started talking to me... has informed me... that i
shouldn't put so much pressure on him... god... and i
thought i was doing the right thing by telling him how i
felt... how could i have been so wrong? of course a
guy doesn't want to know how a girl really feels... that he
makes her hands cold and her heart pound out of her
chest... ... i've probably freaked him out and he'll
probably never want to talk to me again... ... and if
that's so... that probably means... that it wasn't meant to
be, right? ... ...... well i don't want it to be like
that... ... and i know lifes unfair... but... its not
supposed to go crazy this quick... ... that kiss has made
me insane for the past 4 days... and i intend to experience
at least one more time before i die... .... and i deserve
it... right? ... ... and you're probably thinking.... why
believe the ex girlfriend... ...because she has no reason
to lie... because she has a GIRLFRIEND now... i don't
know... because i do... she's never been hateful or
deceitful or spiteful to me... ... so i'm just going to
cool it for a while... act nonchalant... see if that does
anything... wait for him to come to me if he choses to do
so... and go with that... ... when i drive back up to
tupelo to see him a few days into december... i'll see face
to face what's going on... until then... wish me luck.

i'm really sick of batesville... i'm sick of the familliar
faces...their voices... and the atmosphere... and
everything else... i wish i was still in new orleans... but
i'm not. and what are the chances of me going back anytime
soon? ... it depends i suppose... ... i don't have control
over that... because obviously this life isn't mine until
my parents decide it to be... which i'm sure is a noble
thing on their behalf... but i really miss walking down the
quarter... and staying at our little pink casa... and yada
yada... the last time i was there was february of this
year... erika and i went for a long weekend and to see a
perfect circle and astro project (a little jazz band that i
can't find info on anywhere)... i miss the smell of new
orleans... and the breeze... and singing on the street
corner... just because i can... there's this independence
there that i can't find anywhere else... ... for some its
food for their hopelesness... for me... its food for my
hope... and i miss it terribly.

i think i'm bi sexual.. i mean... its more of something i
know than think... i mean.. the reason i say that is
because... i don't see why in the hell theres anything
wrong with it. people... should be loved... by the people
who love them for their makings, right?... ... it kinda...
started when i was little and didn't understand why people
of different races and backgrounds weren't supposed to fall
in love or date or whatever... so now it's evolved... and
now i have a weird insight love and myself and everything
concerning the matter...so like... i have gay friends...
and straight friends... and i think i might have a problem
with distiguishing preference... because i'm so dead set
believing... that you should love someone for their heart
and their mind... instead of their race and sex. this
doesn't mean i've met a girl i like.. i haven't... its hard
enough finding a guy... ... but i'm just saying... i see
now that i'm open to finding the person for me... not the
guy.... or the chick... just the person. ...
man... that sounds corny... but... i'm leaving it up here
for further discussion and... future research.

something is hanging over me... and i don't know what it
is... i just know somethings going to happen... i hope its
something good for a change... i really need something
awesome to happen... ... and to add to that wish... i'd
like to it be something consistent and real...

now i'm going to go study for my english thing
tomorrow... ... i abhor the red badge of courage... but i
suppose i have to do what i have to do.

neeley