Pink Flowers

Another Day

At some point life seems to become trivial. Nothing seems
exiting anymore and I find myself trapped here. Oh, I
found out that I don't have mono but I do have a
virus.....no one is sure what it is though. I hate getting
false assumptions....especially from doctors. It really
pisses me off sometimes. Now I am going to have to explain
to all these people at school that no I don't have mono but
that the doctors thought that I did. I am going to seem
like such a hypocondiriac. I hate that, it is one of the
worst things that a person could have. All it means is
that they want to find a way out of something or crave
attention by swearing they have different diseases or
sicknesses. Anyway....I am in a pretty bad mood today. I
was thinking about my life......go figure. Why am I so
damn dissapointing!!!!!! I know it....that is hard
enough....but then I also have to deal with the fact that
my parents know I am. Besides my curse about guys.......I
think that I am also cursed with this problem that my
parents have faced most of their life. My dad is one of
the best otolarengology (whatever) doctors in America and I
can't tell you how many times he had gotten screwed over by
other doctors that he had gone into practice with. For all
of the hard work that he has put into becoming a doctor he
has gotten stepped on. The same thing has happened to my
mom in a different way. She is married to me dad....tis in
itself is enough of a mistake.....my dad doesn't know how
to be in a relationship with someone and so I think that a
major part of why she married him was to assure her mom
that she would be happy....her mom was dying at the time.
Anyway, I think that is why she has stayed with my dad for
so long. She didn't want to break that promise with her
dead mother, maybe she figured that that was all that she
had left to uyphold for her mother. That and her
children.....oh shit....maybe that is why she hasn't given
up on me yet....I bet I am right....who in their right mind
would want me after what I have turned out like????
Fuck!.......ok ok.....so anyway.......she has gone through
so much abuse (not physically) from my father about her
weight and about her status in life. My dad doesn't like
the idea of his wife working and since that is what she is
doing now he is pissed about it. I don't know he is just
not healthy for her. Besides him she has to put up with
his family who has tried to put her away in a mental
institution before.....crazy???? Yeah I think so.... Well
both of my parents are good people but maybe they just
weren't strong enough....I don't know. I just wish I could
be happy....I don't know.....well maybe one day? I am
starting to doubt this whole boarding school thing now....I
don't think I am good enough to go....I have gotten fat...I
will not be as smart as these people....I won't be as
talented in sports or other activities. Why am I going to
put myself in that situation? I really envy those people
who enjoy life....that is so mean of me. Well maybe that
will change too. God I am still thinking about htis whole
thing with my mom and her mom. It makes so much
sense.....jesus......I honestly wish I had not been born!
Or have been born as a leaf because I don't see what is so
good about being a human. And, if it is so good I wouldn't
know what I was missing if I was a leaf. I would be
indifferent to it all!