*blank stare*
Ad 0:
Digital Ocean
Providing developers and businesses with a reliable, easy-to-use cloud computing platform of virtual servers (Droplets), object storage ( Spaces), and more.
2001-11-27 19:04:40 (UTC)

You Only Saw the Outside, Never Knew What I Was Feeling... Now Everyday You Lay in Bed Staring at the Cieling...

I'm so weak, I'll be the first to admit it. But I can't
fucking do this anymore.
I am so lonely and miserable that it is killing me
inside. My sense of everything is distorted. I look at
people I thought were my friends and I see strangers who
look oddly familiar but I don't feel anything else about
them. Last night Kat, Maria, Tiff, Noah, Mike, Jake, Jon,
and Norty were all here. Now it's down to me and Tiff, who
is sleeping. I want to be with someone right now- no, I
don't mean relationship-wise, though that would be nice too-
but I can't think of anyone who would want to hear from me
right now that didn't just leave here this morning. And, as
I was telling Kat last night, I don't think anyone will
care anyway. Why the hell should any of the people I
associate with now give a flying fuck how I feel, or if I
off myself? Kat and Mike are currently blissfully happy
with each other (Which rules, mind you), Tiff can move in
with Maria; I don't think it would faze Frances overly much
since I'm getting wierd vibes from him right now anyway and
it feels like he's trying to avoid me; Noah has Maria and
Tiff; I don't see Norty, Picard, Seth or Bob very much at
all, so it wouldn't exactly put a damper on their lives.
Everyone in "the group" has each other- one less member
won't matter. I'll just drag everyone down with me anyway.
Mind you, this isn't a suicide-note, and this isn't
simply for attention either. Nor is it a cry for help,
because if people only offered to help after reading
something like this and didn't do it on their own, then I
don't want it from them. This is simply saying that nobody
should be surprised if they get a phone call, or don't hear
from me again. I have beaten this before, I might now. If
not, well, I have attempted to end my life before, and I am
still here. But if my demon beats me (and it's a close
battle already), and I desire to end my life again- so help
me, this time, I WILL NOT fail.
God I wish there was someone I could talk to. I just know
that no one cares and also I don't want anyone else to turn
out to be like Brent. Although that would give me more
motivation to just end this miserable life and get it over
I'm fucked in the head. Sorry to anyone this might upset
for some reason, which would probably be no one, since
usually concern for one's welfare is conductive to caring
about them. Sometimes I do believe everyone does. Times
like now, I don't think they do, or maybe I brainwash
myself into thinking that so I won't have any qualms about
it. I don't know...
I'm so confused, I need someone here that I can talk to or
something. Tiff's still sleeping and also she wasn't
feeling real good last night either so I don't want to make
her feel worse. I want to pound my head against something,
but a headache wouldn't solve anything.
Whatever I don't care anymore. If I live, okay, fine, maybe
this will get me the next time around. If I die, okay,
fine, maybe I'll finally be happy- or at least in less pain
than I am right now. I'm so tired of being alone, I wish I
could go sleep the lonliness off- and simply not wake up.

Current Music: I'm Allright, by Twiztid