a little piece of me
2001-11-27 17:49:16 (UTC)

crunch time

my procrastination is really coming back to bite me in the
ass right about now. hehehe. i have a paper due tomorrow
(which i still haven't started). i also have a quiz (which
i haven't studied for). next week i have several papers
due, as well as 4 paintings, two of which are not
finished. i also have 2 lab exams, both on the same day.
oh yeah, and my insect collection is due. i still have
shitloads of them in the freezer. i need to make labels
for all 50 of them. that's going to take fucking forever.
i have to identify most of them, still. on top of all
that, i need to get my ass to work on my brother's painting
so that i get it done by christmas. this is going to be a
hellish next couple of weeks. oh well. i asked for
it :D.

so anyway, enough about that. i'm not going to think about
all the shit i have due until i get home tonight. then i
can stress out. speaking of stress, i'm feeling kinda
crappy right now. my brother has been acting really weird
lately, and i think my attitude towards life has rubbed off
on him. sure sure, i think people suck, life's a bitch,
blah blah blah. i just didn't want to influence my
brother's thinking. it's sometimes a miserable way to
live. now he's depressed (told him about my depression a
while ago, now suddenly he's depressed too), and some other
things. i guess being fucked up could just run in our
family. i know my mom gets depressed, but i think, no, i
know that has to do with my dad. he's such a fucking
bastard. he makes me sick. i've been trying to convince
my mom for years and years to leave him, but she just won't
do it. i don't understand that at all. how could someone
stay with a person who makes them miserable? i could never
take the shit that she does. i just wouldn't stand for
it. he tells her that if she'd just do something right for
a change he wouldn't have to be on her case all the time.
what kinda bs is that??? argh.

now on to a more pleasant topic. brett is coming one month
from today. that's such a short time, yet such a long
time. i get more excited and more nervous with each
passing day. hmm..i realized something last night. i
mean, i knew before, but it really sunk in last night. i
had been holding brett to such high standards. i thought
he was perfect. that bothered me. last night, he kinda
upset me, even though he didn't mean to. i realized that
he's not perfect at all. he has a few flaws. what's more
important is that i love him even more now. knowing that
he can and will screw up from time to time makes it easier
to love him. i had been feeling really inadequate, which
prohibited me from loving him completely. now that i've
taken him down from the pedestal i had put him on, i'm
feeling much better. i really truly love him. seems kinda
silly, but that's just how it is.

alright, well, too many people in the lab now, so i'm going
to get going.