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2001-11-27 06:53:36 (UTC)

sometimes i have problems with..

sometimes i have problems with things. tonight is one of
those times. i cant find my vicodine. and im pissed. i need
to sleep and sleeping pills will make me sleepy in the
morning and vicodine will let me sleep cuz itll make my
back stop hurting so much. fuck my back. just fuck it...

i want to drink.
and i want to scream.
i want to just not be here.
right now.
i wish that i could sleep
and make this shit go away
but even if i could
it really wouldnt change anything
but id wake up
and be in a better mood
becuase i never let myself get like this anymore
there really is no point.
but this time
this isnt being fixed fast enough
and im sitting here
wishing i wasnt
wishing that this nght would end.
this day would close.
for something
just something
closure to the open wounds that never had the right words
to close
im mad.
im mad at everyone that has hurt me right now.
including myself.
and im mad at my mom
and my dad
and pretty much everyone
because everyone i know has either fucked me over
or left me.
or something.
in one way or another.
and granted
i have done more than my share of these things
im still mad now.
sometimes i think that it would be nice
if i could just leave.
leave and get out of my life
get out of my past
because sometimes i feel like
i cant let go of things
that i need to.
and i know that everything has made me who i am today
but how am i supposed to learn and grow and all that shit
if im still pissed off

i want to sleep.

fuck chemicals
fuck the way drugs have such a big effect on my life.
when i dont even fucking use them anymore.
fuck that.

jennifer is clean now.

jennifers brother is clean now.
he cut his dreds off.
and enrolled in school.


finally you know.
and FUCK christina
a lot
fuck her for like coming into my life and makng me hapy for
so long and then being liek HEY HEY no ashley this shit is
so much more important to me than you
so FUCK you.
fuck her.

im tired of people.
and im tired of being the one that cares.
you were right emily
i care too much about people
and i dont understand why i do
becuase when i do.
i get fucked.
you know its like
such extremes with me
either i care too much
or not fucking at all

whatever. im going to go do something else.

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