Pandora

Eighteen

11/26/01

Grapes
2 bananas
Steamed white rice
1 diet coke
Assorted fruit

9:25 p.m.

In about 2.5 hours I will be 19. I don't really like birthdays;
at least not mine. Maybe because I'm not used to having great ones.
Whatever.
I read all these accounts of girls with EDs and sickeningly, I
admire their determination and dedication. Not that I want to be
skin and bones, but I would like a BMI just under 19; just slightly
under a healthy weight. They're willing to die for it. I can't even
resist hunger pangs and I don't even want to think about my binging.
J was telling me that Alexis (that's her name) was fasting for
Ramadan and that when he found out it made her all the more
attractive to him. (Figures he'd be attracted to her not eating)
He's fasting too. I hate that I can't control my feelings for him,
or even my thoughts at this point. And I hate that I can't control
his actions or reactions or feelings. But today it felt SO GOOD to
control what I ate. I don't think I consumed any fat. I took
Xenadrine too. And a multivitamin. I'm hoping that the pill will
burn off stored fat and that the vitamin will take care of my body.
The only thing that would've made things better would be if I
worked out today. But I'm tired. Maybe I'll go running anyway. I
feel the cleanest I've felt in a long time. It's like earlier this
year when I was showering all the time because I felt dirty all the
time; 10 in the morning, 4 in the afternoon, 11 at night. I may have
actually figured out what was bothering me. And fixed it. I've been
peeing all day; my system feels clean. I'm a little jittery, but I
think my body just isn't used to going without all the fat and
unnecessary crap I usually put in my system.
I love him so much it hurts. If I can't control that situation,
I might as well get healthier, look better and feel better about my
body. And if it ever gets to the point where my life is jeopardized,
I just want people to say 'She was so beautiful' at my funeral.