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2001-11-27 03:41:51 (UTC)

Love, Hate, Music

I just drank too much eggnog and now I'm feeling a little queasy.

Today I thought alot about love and relationships and how they are so confusing.
With Bonehead, my boyfriend, we have a very deep bond that stems back to
childhood. However, we have alot of issues and we have worked very hard to
be where we are today. I always thought that was fine...it is more rewarding to me
to have to work at it and know that we are succeeding. It means ten times more to
me than any other relationship I ever had because I have put so much into it and
because we take the time to get over our differences and learn about eachother.
Lately though, I've been questioning if that is really how things should be. There
are probably going to be things we'll never get over, and we've talked about
marriage someday. It would definitely be easier to find someone who was more
like me, but I just don't think that would be as fun. I love my relationship with
Bonehead because we can teach eachother things that we normally wouldn't have
known and we can let eachother have different experiences. Sometimes though, I
feel like I am alot less stubborn and more willing to learn than he is, but I think
probably that just stems from the fact that we are so young and it is alot to ask of
both of us to be in a serious relationship right now. It is worth it though. I know I
am happy with him, and with the way things are right now (with some unimportant
exceptions). I am not sure how it will be in a few years though, if we move in
together or something. We might end up having very different ideas of fun and of
how to do things. He is much more easy going and less of a worrier than I am. He
is much less of a people person than I am, choosing to spend time with people
he already knows well rather than meet new people and going to places he's not
comfortable with. I know that when I have my own place, I want to have my
friends over to have fun alot. I want to have movie marathons and board games
nights and dinner parties and ice cream sundae making parties and just all around
fun and weird stuff. I am a pretty private person though, so I will definitely want
nights to myself and nights to stay in. But I don't know if he'd be into that.

We don't hang out with eachother's friends much, which I blame on him. I always
invite him places with mine, but he chooses not to go because he doesn't like
being around alot of people he doesn't know. Well, sometimes I don't either, but I
would still love to spend time with his friends because they say alot about him. It
would be great to get to see him in his element more and I think I would learn alot
more about him, see him in a different way, that sort of thing. He doesn't often
invite me though. I am the odd person out though, when we do. I don't smoke,
do drugs, I don't know alot about the stuff they know about, I don't have much to
say...so it is awkward sometimes, but I am willing. I think it will get better though,
because last weekend I expressed my thoughts on this subject to him and he
understood very well and said that when I came home, we will work on it. He said
maybe we could even work out a schedule kind of things, that certain days he
would go with my friends, no questions asked, and the other way around. Of
course, there would be some exceptions and it couldn't always work out, but he
made me so happy because he cared alot about what I said and wanted to work
on fixing it. That is why we work so well I think.

I will just wait and see. It is not like I have a ring on my finger and it is not like we
are even close to that point. In January I'll be off to college, and though it's not far
from him, I'll be living in the dorms, which will be like a whole new world. I know he
has worries about me going that he will have to get over, so we'll see how that
works out.

Tonight was nice. We got the rest of the Nebraska pictures, including the pictures
of Ckye and the cowboys, so we were all looking at them, and then Smooth
Texture showed up and cramped everyone's style. We all started to talk about
human evolution and migration and other such things, and though she had alot to
contribute to the conversation being a history major and all, I still couldn't stand
listening to her. My sister is an anthropology major and so she knew more about
the subject, and I enjoyed listening to her immensely. It's just Smooth Texture
talking about absolutely anything that I can't stand. She is so ignorant. She can
spew facts all she wants, but it doesn't hide her stupidity at all. It is one thing to
know alot of facts, but it is quite another to have the brain capacity to concoct
theories and make connections in your head, and she can't do that. Everything she
says starts with "My friend has this theory..." or "Someone told me..." For kicks, I
threw in the statement "The oldest recorded mummy was found in China!" and she
nodded vigorously. The best preserved mummy was found in China, but not the
oldest. I fucking made something up, and she agreed with me. I loved it.

Yay! My friend just IMd me that I haven't talked to since highschool ended! Fun!
Man, me and this kid, we used to have so much fun. There is an amusement park
near my house and we both had seasons passes and I swear we spent every
day one summer there. Sometimes we wouldn't even go on the ride, we'd just
walk around and people watch and chill and play in the kiddie parts. Good times.

I've got so many songs running through my head. Mostly that "I am a Man of
Constant Sorrow" from the movie "O Brother, Where Art Thou", and "Mr.
Oysterhead" by Oysterhead. It is a band that my boyfriend introduced me to
when I was home, and apparently they are pretty new. It's Les Claypool, and
guitarist from Phish, and a drummer from the Police, or so my sources say. It's
excellent, interesting music, with a good message.

I downloaded alot of music onto my computer when I was home because I don't
get to up here. Music makes me happy. I got alot of System of a Down, and alot
of fun eighties music, like Dead Or Alive's "Spin Me Round (Like a Record)". I
want to make a CD with my favorite songs, but there are so many....I'd have to
make one with hard stuff (System of a Down, Slipknot, Linkin Park, Rammstein,
KMFDM), one of more techno-ish dancey music mixed with some fast punk /ska
(Chemical Brothers, Aphex Twin, Prodigy, Five Iron Frenzy, Superchunk), and
one of more mellow, alternative stuff (Ben Folds, Moxy Fruvous, They Might Be
Giants, Radiohead, Grandaddy, Cake). Maybe I'll be an expert concert
reviewer...that would be such a fun, ideal job.

Dammit, my sister just asked me to wash my dinner plate before I went to bed. I
was planning on it, but the child in me doesn't want to now because I resent that
she still tells me what to do and I'm fucking nineteen years old. I know fucking
better than that and I know this is a stupid thing to get upset over, but it sucks
when I always do that and she still tells me to. She is not my fucking mother
dammit. I seem to have some misplaced rage within me right now for reasons I
cannot explain. Oh well.

I can't wait until I have my own place. Then I can leave the lights off whenever I
want (I prefer sitting in the dark to having lights on once daylight has ended), and I
can not wash my dishes directly following their use. I can blast my music without
worrying about neighbors and people trying to work, and I can use the computer
whenever I want. Sure, it is ten times the added responsibility I'm sure, but I feel
strongly that it would be worth it for the experience gained and the fun had.

I am going to go read books and learn stuff.

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