listen to my silences
2001-11-26 20:51:42 (UTC)

i'll take you to a place where chimes are ringing

too many times have we smiled in pride, putting such faith
in what we've accomplished but minutes ago we were, minutes
ago we were, slitting our wrists, running for sympathy.

i hate when people ask questions they don't want answers
to. or they don't want REAL answers to. for example: at
church the other week people said they wanted to know how
my week was. my answer was "long". most of them said "oh"
and walked away. the rest said "why?" my answer to this
was "oh, I'M fine, but my best friends have both had
terrible weeks and i want to help. i just don't know how.
let me tell you how much i loved their response "i'm sure
they'll be ok, just don't worry about it." ooohhh...way to
be supportive. i'm sure they'll be ok too, eventually.
but don't worry about it? yeah, riiiggghhht...THAT'S
funny. um...NO. see, i'm not the type of person to NOT
worry about other people, especially my two best friends.
i don't want to not worry either. i'm going to be there
for them. they put their worries on me and i'll worry for
them. they do the same for me. that's how it works. but
onto what's been going on...

kells-she called me last week one night needing to talk.
she wanted to know if i thought she was annoying. she said
she didn't feel needed or wanted around. she's wrong.
COMPLETELY. i hope she realizes that. i mean, i told her,
but that doesn't mean she believes me. she needs to. josh
broke up with her. she and adrian are having more problems
than ever. kells and i went bowling on friday night. it
was SO good to be with her. i bowled terrible and we both
ended up hurting ourselves. brodie came too. we all
stayed the night at her house and talked till at least 6:00
in the morning. we watched the mask and played a fortune
telling game with cards. we talked forever and gave each
other massages (i think we owe brodie one). it was really
cool. our friendships got a lot stronger. i think she
still doesn't feel wanted around though. she's wrong if
she does think that. COMPLETELY UTTERLY WRONG. but how to
make her see, no, UNDERSTAND that?

brodie-he got pulled over a couple weeks ago coming home
from ashleigh's. he was going 90 in a 50 or 55 i can't
remember which. so he got a ticket for that. AND one for
reckless driving. and he almost got another one for curfew
TOO. he's gotta go to court sometime in january. he was
trying to take care of all of this himself, be responsible
for himself and all that, but his dad found out. says he
knows people, has connections, HE'LL take care of it.
which is the last thing brodie wants right now. he WANTS
to fix it himself. NEEDS to actually. but god forbid his
dad to EVER udnerstand that. or anything about brodie. or
WANT to for that matter. so he keeps buting in, making the
situation worse. oh, and to add to it all ashleigh cheated
on brodie. he told me right after he found out. i
said "i'm sorry babe". he said "no, it's ok. really. i
mean, i've almost come to expect it you know?" ok, just
because something happens time and time again doesn't mean
you should expect it, deserve it, or it's right. i told
him something like that and he unconvincingly
replied "yeah, i know." in the fortune telling game he
asked if he would ever have a faithful girlfriend. the
answer was absolutely, but i know he didn't believe it.
maybe that's why he doesn't want to be understood
sometimes, cause he's afraid (for lack of a better word) of
what will happen if he is...what always seems to happens.
maybe that's why at times he hesitates to tell me
things...cause he's afraid i'll turn out like everyone
else, i'll leave too. i've told him i'm not going anywhere
not matter what. but because of his past i know he doesn't
completely believe me. he wants to, and that's why he does
tell me everything. and that's also why he wnats me to
tell him everything. the thing is, i'm scared, no
TERRIFIED of losing one of my best friends. oh, i think i
made him mad. i asked a question in the fortune telling
game when kells was doing the cards and wouldn't tell him
what it was. i know he's frustrated with me. VERY MUCH
SO. but i can't tell hm right now. i'm afraid of what
he'll say. i WILL tell him, i tell him
everything...EVENTUALLY. (and i know you hate when i say
that, brodie, but i will tell you. before christmas if i
can. i will try.) i'm just confused about this whole
thing. and i know the only way to get completely
deconfused is to talk to him. but i'm SCARED TO DEATH.
and i know that makes nonsense to like everyone except
kells and mare right now, but i can't explain it cause i
have to tell him not let him read it and I DON'T KNOW HOW!!!

final thought: the minute you think you have things under
your control they blow up. and that's when you realize
that they've had you under THEIR control the entire time.