beet

I wrote this about a week ago. Me Bad.

I'm a lot busier these days and that possibly take away
some of the need for a diary. Perhaps these things seem
worse when I have a lot of time to think about them. Or
maybe I'm not aware of myself as much. Not that I like
studying myself, I don't think I like other people studying
me either. Not people I know anyway.

Something I read in my Tarot book (I've taken up reading
Tarot cards!), the Tower represents some painful experience
or catastrophe, but something that ultimately makes us
stronger. This can ofter be the event that strips us of
our protective shell. The one that we all cast up around
ourselves to protect us from all the shitty things that
happen. When that shell comes down we can really let
another person in, holding nothing back. I have a fucking
excellent shell and I don't really need other people, not
unless they are on my own terms and at something of a
distance. Don't get me wrong, I'm not some kind of hermit
or billy no mates. I have some great friends and I'd say
I'm reasonably popular, maybe that's the problem I think
that things will change if I let some-one in. The other
thing is that I'm quite happy like this, nothing fucks me
up very much. I can't do it, I can't let go of control of
me.

ENOUGH. I have a pretty bloody good quality of life,
things are beginning to go my way and I still find
something to moan about. M at work said something today
that was very true: We take what we have for granted and
we want what we haven't got. Hmmmm, is it just me or do
neat little catch all phrases piss you off. Especially the
sacharine sweet ones.

Listening to: Garbage