*blank stare*
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2001-11-26 16:00:28 (UTC)

Sometimes God Is Not The Father Who Forsakes You

Want to discuss being utterly and completely numb?
We'll talk about last night.
Okay yesterday I picked up Tiff over Noah's, where she
spent the night, and we came back here to try to organize
plans (wow, what a chore that was), and in the meantime I
was talking to Mike online. Just chitchatting for a bit and
then he told me his arm really hurt, because he'd burn it
like 5 times and cut himself as well. I asked him why, of
course, and told him I'd better be good. He simply
wrote "Sorry I can't talk to you anymore, but dad doesn't
want me talking to Non- Christians," and signed off,
leaving me with my jaw resting on the computer desk. I
looked at Tiff and wondered aloud, "I wonder if he means he
can't talk to me right now cause his Dad is there, or if he
won't ever talk to me again?" of course, Tiff didn't know,
so on instinct I read Mike's latest journal entry, which,
to sum it up, made it perfectly clear that his father had
brainwashed the fuck out of him in the course of an hour or
so. The part that stung me the most was along the lines
of, "... and he knows that my friends aren't really my
friends, so I'm just going to listen to him." THAT hurt.
He'd written that his father told him that he was a loser
and brought all of what he thought were Mike's faults up to
the light and pounded Mike about the head with them until
he had no fucking clue what to do about himself.
I'm not even going to write about everything else that was
in his journal, simply because I don't want to remember it,
but after Tiff and I finished reading it, my Mom called us
in for "The Talk" with her and my father. It went better
then I expected, of course I didn't hear 3/4ths of what
anyone said, and I only said about 2 sentances myself. I
spent most of the time picking at my lip and staring at the
floor, not seeing anything, until I got motivated enough to
go back to the computer. Good fucking thing I did, too, or
last night's (and the rest of my life's) outcome may have
been entirely different.
Mike was back online, and had IM'd me, so I of course
responded. I don't remember all of the conversation, but I
remember casting off the dignity I don't have and begging
him not to leave us. He said he just didn't want to fight
with his father anymore and was going to obey everything he
said, which crushed me because I never thought I would see
Mike go down that easily for anyone. Then I asked him if he
was willing to cast all of us (me, Jon, Steph, Maria, even
Kat) off because he agreed with what his father said, or if
it was because he simply wanted to please the father who
never goes out of his way to please him. Mike said he
didn't know, and I felt a small flicker of hope that maybe
we hadn't lost him after all. I told him that I guess I
could understand him casting me off- I guess- but I
couldn't imagine him willingly losing Kat or Jon. We
discussed this for a little while longer, and then he came-
on his own- to a series of revolations about his father,
his church (EX- church, excuse me), his religon, and god.
For 10 mintues he believed there wasn't one, and then he
came to the conclusion that there had to be one, because he
doesn't buy the evolution theory.Anyhow, he got more
excited than I have ever seen him and said he had to talk
to me in person. So half an hour later he showed up, we
chatted, and so far as I know, for the time being anyway,
all is well. I don't think I'll ever be able to tell him
how I happy I was when he came over here. I had been
horribly sure that I would never see him again, or at least
not the way I do now. After I read his journal entry, I
just sat at the computer desk, staring at nothing,
thinking "Oh my god, I've lost Mike" over and over again. I
can't even imagine how Kat felt when she read it, which she
did right before coming here, so after some talking-it-out-
alone-time between her and Mike, they got it patched up.
I'm extremely happy they did. Their relationship is very
young yet, but they have something very special. Everyone
feels it, I can tell.
Anyway, the got it talked out, then went to bring Steph
home. While they did that, I picked up Tiff, Maria and Noah
from Noah's house and we went to Clay's, where Andy, Wylie,
Brandon, Anthony, Tiffany, and- duh-Clay were. Stayed for a
few, had a few laughs, (torn old lady into beer recycle!)
and then went back to my place, where Kat and Mike were in
the den waiting. Noah and Tiff went upstairs
to...uh...sleep (I hope), Mike passed out on the couch to a
Disney movie, and me and Kat had a long, varying,
interesting talk on my porch. After that Kat and Maria went
home, and the rest of us went up to bed (Tiff and Noah had
come back down since.) Anyway, that was my night, wierd
though it was. I'm just glad that Mike wasn't permanantly
brainwashed by his overbearing, pompous, holier-than-thou
I'm worried about Jake. Well, worried and I miss him
greatly. I haven't seen him in like a week or more, and
that in itself is unusual. I don't get positive vibrations
when I think of him, and that means that something is very
wrong with him or in his life. It'd be great if I could see
him soon, even if I can't help him somehow, I'd like to at
least be near him for a little while to see if I can get a