OrbitalVenus

Confessions

When I was younger I was terribly insecure. My entire sense
of self-worth was based primarily on what my parents
thought of me. I wasn't one of those girls who was consumed
with what a boy thought, or what her friends thought of her.
The only opinion that mattered to me was that of my parents.
My dad used to tease me that no man would want a chubby girl
as a 'wife', and my mom would jokingly call me thunder-
thighs. They went so far as to limit the type and amount of
food I ate. Eventually they wore me down and I bought into
what they were saying about me. I started walking several
miles a day, I would wake up and go sprinting in the
mornings, play basketball after school and I would eat
enough to stay concious. Nothing with dairy, meat or sugar.
I practically lived off 'negative calorie' vegetables.
Needless to say, the weight peeled off fast. I went from
weighing 155lbs to 120lbs in the span of 2 months. I was
tired and dizzy, I passed out at school frequently. At the
time I didn't understand why. I just figured it was due to
my unusually low blood pressure. I managed to maintain my
weight up till I was 18, even at that point I had very low
body-fat because I was still running all the time. I just
had more dense muscle. My body seemed to be comfortable
when I was about 140lbs. I could run and do whatever I
wanted and I didn't feel weak, and more importantly I
didn't pass out.. (keep in mind I'm 5'8") My proportions
were perfect too, 34C-23-35.. I was still perceived to be
small for my weight,people constantly told me I needed to
eat.. I came to terms with the fact that I had an eating
disorder.I thanked the powers that be that I hadn't
continued on that path, or let people who were supposed to
love me destroy me.

I wish more parents would be less critical of their
sons and daughters. It is the parent who is most often the
sun and moon in the eyes of their progeny. When a parent
tells a child they are less than perfect the child believes
them entirely. I believe a child would walk over flames to
gain approval and praise from their parent. The love of a
child for their parent is unmatchable. To a child the
parent is the living, breathing representation of god.
There is nothing the parent can't do. No mountain they
can't move, nor oceans found unpartable. The love of the
parent determines the childs entire future, how they will
handle stress, love, other people.

I, like so many others, am pushing past the
foundations my parents helped me build.
I am tearing down and rebuilding with my own ideals and
with my own strength. I love my parents endlessly. I
understand they are merely children living in the words and
actions of their parents. For myself and my future children
I must let that legacy die with them. I must rise up and
move into the future knowing all the wounded parts will
heal, and I will be whole again someday.

If I ever have children I hope I am able to live up to
this parental ideal in my head. I want to be unencumbered
by petty emotion and able to deliver the love and attention
that is needed to nuture and develop a child. I want to be
the sun and moon, to move mountains and part oceans for any
child I might have.