Nikkie-chan

Book of the Purple Faerie
Ad 2:
Try a new drinks recipe site
2001-11-26 04:19:12 (UTC)

*sigh* Why...

Thanksgiving break be over... Joy oh joy. Thank you, SRU
for jipping us out of another break. Four whole days of
being away from campus... Not even for the people who had
to drive far. Sucks to be them.

It wasn't a bad break. I got to visit with family I haven't
seen for a long time, hang out with my friends. I was
really glad to see Beth Ann after so long and see that she
was doing well. The costume party was fun, but when they
gothed me up, I felt extremely self-conscious and worried.
And then we ran into Nicole Laemmerhirt and her mother!!
They could barely even look at me! I thought I was gonna
die... Heather told me Tom liked me, and he was real nice
and all, but the boy never took a bit of interest in me.
Never asked me a question about myself, just continued to
give story after story...after story. I wish I could stop
caring... Really really do. But no man is dumb enough to
think about me that way. I'm trying to adjust to that type
of thinking.

Hell, keeping friends is an ongoing battle for me. Holly is
a lost cause, I can't ever get her back. After I tried
really really hard too... Walking around campus with her
after Ann left, listening to her problems, trying to help
her out... None of it helped at all. Slowly I let her slip
away because I didn't know how to make her realize how I
felt. She doesn't care, I know I should just let go and
stop caring myself. But it really hurts.

My friends from high school I've lost nearly all contact
with, even the ones on campus. We've all developed sort of
our own lives and focus on them. Vanessa thought to get us
all together over break, but it never happened. No one
cared to go through the effort. I told Holly about Beth Ann
being home and the day of the party, but she never showed
or called.

Beth Ann brought up some good discussion, how people
change. How my relationship with Holly has changed and how
Heather's with Jess has. It made me really sad to see how
hurt Heather was by the fact that Jess hasn't talked to her
as much as I have or how they were supposed to do something
Friday night and didn't call. Heather said that she needed
me and Jess and even though it'd be nice to have her to
myself, I didn't want it to happen... which really
surprised me when I realized it. I really would like to
know that I matter to someone... really, really, really
matter. Be important above other friends, just once... But
it won't ever happen, so I should stop deluding myself.

The difference I guess is that Jess came to the party. And
in doing so, she proved that Heather still mattered to her
and was still important and watching them again it was just
like old times. I felt kind of ignored, actually, for a
while. But I was happy that Jess came and it made Heather
happy.

But Holly didn't and didn't even IM me when she got back to
campus. I know that I don't matter to her anymore and I
guess that that is why it hurts so much. I feel like one
day, everyone is just going to decide that they have much
better friends than me and decide that I'm unnecessary and
just stop talking to me... The Three-fold Law says that
whatever you do, be it good or bad, will come back to you
three times the potency of what you have done. I figure
that I must have been very unfeeling sometime, but for the
life of me I can't remember when. But I guess a lot of
people have selective memory like that.

So I hope that Jess continues to let Heather know how
important she is to her.

I'll just continue trying like I always do, because it's
all I know. I've got to keep a positive outlook on things!
If I continue to work hard and do my best and be myself, I
hope that everything will work out well! Something good
will always work out... Maybe if I believe hard enough.

Nikkie
Somber but hopeful


Ad:0