Things I Learned This Weekend:
(1) As much as I love my mother, she's still a woman. She critically
examines my body every time she sees me to document any weight gain.
I think she looks for the gain.
(2) Meg has a 26-year-old boyfriend. If I cared about her like I
used to I'd be worried about that.
(3) My hometown is REALLY boring.
(4) People still in my hometown not going to school with no plans to
leave EVER are pretty pathetic.
(5) Keith is funny.
(6) Lindsay and Nick ARE going out.
(7) I'm probably in love. (More about this later)
(8) Chris is uncircumcised. This, apparently, is topic for
conversation. He's also really good in bed and has no problem
proving this to any doubters. (This is all word of mouth).
(9) I have gained 15 pounds since I left in August.
(10) Rachel thinks she's fat. Nevermind the fact that she's still a
(11) There are three Starbuck's and three Subways here. Still no
(12) Alex is still kind of cute.
(13) AG says hi.
(14) I met a friend of J's named Johnny awhile ago and thought he
was especially attractive. Didn't even give a thought to pursuit.
This, subconsciously, had something to do with NY Johnny whom I
suppose I'm not completely over.
(15) Eddie says hi (?!)
Wow. Okay, so lots went on this weekend. I brought the scale
back with me. Hung out with Lindsay, E, CG, Rachel M, Doug, K, Meg
and Brandon. Still love Brandon; he broke up with his girlfriend.
Meg gets drunk every weekend, and still somehow has time to so to
Seattle. Lindsay's gotten high a few times. We all eat like pigs; on
Meg you can REALLY see it; which is ironic considering she's the one
with the boyfriend and the weight obsession. No one's changed too
much. Maybe I have. Maybe it shows. Whatever.
Okay, so I have 2-phase plan that I'm going to set in motion
tomorrow. My plan is to be down to 145 by the time I go home. That
should be enough to shut up the girls for awhile. Upon completion of
phase 1, I plan to set Phase 2 in motion, involving a loss of
another 20 pounds and some heavy duty body sculpting. I want that
chisled waitline. Not only will that drive my mother crazy; my high
school friends will go nuts. (Thin to them is Hollywood thin. Thin
to my mother is thinner than her.)
So I don't think there was a day this weekend that went by that
I didn't think about J. Which is strange (well, not really, but
yeah). I would sit up at 2 a.m. doing nothing, unable to sleep, and
wish he were around so I could talk to him. Or even sit listening to
music saying nothing. I don't want to be in love right now, but I
don't know if I can help it. I keep hoping it'll be a false alarm
and the next time he comes to talk to me it'll be just like it's
always been and I'll think to myself, 'This isn't a crush. It's
love, but not romantic love. It's just the same old J. I don't have
romantic feelings for him. He's one of my best friends. Like a
brother, even. So loving him like that would be just wrong.' Maybe
it's all in my head. And I'm making it bigger than it is. But I
seriously can't remember ever wanting someone's lips and hands so
much. It just doesn't make sense. Fuck.