The Nightshade Princess
2001-11-26 01:56:32 (UTC)

I had another of my dreams this..

I had another of my dreams this morn. I didn't kill
myself this time, though. I just TRIED to kill myself
twice. To fill those one or two people who may actually be
reading this journal in: I keep having dreams in which I
kill myself or scream at something to kill me (and it
always does). Sometimes it takes multiple attempts.
Always, there is this intense mix of joy and fading
physical pain as I die... an indescribable sensation
passing through my entire body. It's like electricity...
As I to fade from this crescendo, I black out and wake up,
often physically feeling the wounds on my body until I am
fully awake. After such a dream, my mental state is
usually wrecked, as if I had just attempted suicide in the
real world or am about to... that same frenzied despair,
the shaking, near-hysteria and chaos of the mind.
I attempted sleep after such a dream... When it did
not work, I emailed LesTaT about Heather's party today,
then tried to sleep again... when THAT did not work, I
called LesTaT and he helped me stablilize a bit.
Al called shortly after LesTaT and I finished our
conversation. He and I also discussed my dream and my
life... He's been where I am now, and just knowing that
and hearing him describe how I felt... it was quite a
remarkable experience. Something inside me stopped
bleeding for a moment.... anyway I gotta go my time is up
again... damn