My Random Thoughts
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2001-11-25 10:33:02 (UTC)

Can't Sleep

Alright I just poured my damn heart out to this thing and
it didn't save. Thats okay cause I still have a lot going
through my mind. I obviously can't sleep....it's 4am. I
think the biggest thing that is bothering me is my
boyfriend. God, he is the most amazing person I've ever
met. I've never clicked with anyone else as much as I do
with him. Right now it is like our relationship is falling
apart. It seems like he is slowly running away from me. I
know I've messed up majorly by taking him for granted for
so long and now I think he hates me for it. I would do
anything to be able to go back in time and do things
differently. I love him SO much. I have often thought
that this is the guy I want to marry. We have talked about
our problems and I am trying so hard to fix things but it
seems like the harder I try the more he wants to leave me.
I guess I am being punished for things I have done in the
past. I guess I deserve it. The love I have for him is
the strongest emotion I have ever felt. I don't want to
lose him. All week I've been trying to understand him and
what he feels but I can't figure it out. I have come to a
lot of conclusions though that would have been helpful like
last month. 1. I can't change him. 2. He is what makes
me happy not the ficticious "perfect man" I have created in
my mind. 3. I can't make him love me.
But ya theres my luck I just figured all this out and
its pretty inevitable that I will be hurt unless he sees
that I have changed my way of thinking. But how can he do
that if he avoids me all the time? Guess I'm screwed. I
think I set this whole diary thing up in preparation of
whats to come whether good or bad...i'll need to vent.
alright I need sleep. more to come later