ergot and the ju ju queen

antipodean delights...
2001-11-25 09:33:01 (UTC)

A time to laugh. A time to cry.

Say it. Do it. Tell him. Let her know. Reach out and touch
them. Apologise. Say I love you. Mend bridges. Give your
time. Give your money. Swallow pride. Write that letter.
Make that phonecall. Tell them.

I missed my chance. And I have never felt worse.

A very close family friend of about 10 years died last
night, of cancer. He only found out about 3 months ago. It
was a huge shock.

I spent all these weeks trying to work out what I wanted to
say to him. I wanted to ring him. And let him know how much
he impacted my life, and the life of my family. He was an
incredible man. Full of energy, serving people. Serving
God.

I know he's pain free now. I know he's in Heaven. I know
this. (that's what my 'faith' tells me, okay?)

But I didn't tell him. I didn't tell him how he touched our
lives.

And now I can only tell his family.

This afternoon, after strife at home (no details here, it's
not about that..) but I was laying on my bed, crying.
Everything seemed to crush me all at once.

You know how sometimes it's like the weight of the world
has settled inside you somewhere.. and no matter what angle
you look at it from.. it seems too heavy to handle?

I know this feeling won't last long. And I also know my
strength and hope will return with the morning. I know
this. Instinctively. I know me. But for tonight.. it's that
time for mourning, I guess. That time allowed us. For
tears. For weakness. For loss.

My little boy came and cuddled me, and said "I love you
mummy. I make you happy."

I smiled through my tears and assured him that yes, he
makes me very very happy, and that I love him *this much*
(spreading my arms as far as they'll go, and then cuddling
him..)

He then ran into his bedroom, and came back out with Gussy
the Gorilla. Gussy used to be mine. It's a stuffed gorilla
that my parents gave to me on my 8th birthday, when I was
just a little girl. My little boy said to me, "Gussy needs
you." So I thanked my little boy, and I cuddled Gussy.

And I cried.

For the little girl I once was..

And for the little girl I still am..

- - - - - - -
juju queen