Claudia

once again
2001-11-25 08:24:42 (UTC)

letting go

Things happen for a reason and when you try to change them
they backfire in your face. You crawl away, yelping as if
your are a hurt dog. Then you wonder why it hurts so bad.
Just realize that when things happen, let them be. Don't
change reality and don't try to make the obvious be
invisible.
I have such great advice for others but when it comes to
me, I can't find my ass from a whole in the ground. When I
try to make things peachy keen, I end up crying and asking
why do I have to hurt again.
I think that Shawn is a lost cause. he got thrown out of
Neekas house for not paying bills and not helping out
around the house. Big shocker there! I knew that was
going to happen...no job what else could possibly
happen...i mean comeon it's Shawn. I know him better then
anyone...probably better then himself. i lived with him,
you got to stay ontop of his ass. I was the only one who
could get through to him and I'm done babysitting.
I told Amica tonight that that was it, I was threw. She
told me not to give up hope, but he swore he changed and
was responsible. So far he's proved himself completely
wrong. Same old Shawn...I specifically remember Dawn
telling me that too
I want this fairy tale to happen with him and I, but that's
not life. I think of him constantly and I need to stop. I
feel that in the long run I will just hurt myself. Jason
tells me to chill with all this shit and be my ownperson.
I'm trying so hard and it's rough. I want to just be able
to run to him and have him hold me when I need to be
loved. Things can't work like that. Reality is so
different. I just don't know how to stop. I think that
this vacation will be an eye opener. It's going to hurt me
so much leaving. I know I'll cry but maybe it will be the
end and a biginning in one.
Yesterday, while no one was home, someone tried bracking in
to my house. The alarm people called the police and called
someone to get ahold of my sister.all that I could think of
was that this wouldn't happen in Fl. This is the second
time in two years someone did this to her. Only the first
time she was home. I don't want to deal with that shit.
Then all I could think is that Shawn would protect me even
if it did. And I don't need to live like that...thinking
like that. Because they way things have been going even if
he did move here we wouldn't be together long. He hasn't
matured yet and I don't want to continue raising him. I
live with 3 kids 10 and under. That's enough for me.
I've been talking to Jason alot. He calls...I always look
forward to it. He tells me every time we talk that he
loves talking to me...he looks forward to it. He says he's
so comfortable with me. I looked up on the map tonight how
far he was...6 hours. Straight shot though. maybe one
day...
So now i"m back to square one with Shawn. I don't know
where he is and aparently he can't write me. Who knows if
he has an address and he can't call me ever. So will I see
him in Fl? Should I really care? I can't wait for the day
when it doesn't hurt me to recall all these memories and
when I can' smile about the good times without crying. I
made us a scrape book...what do I do with that? I'll take
everything out of it. I'm in so much pain
inside...something is dying in there. I can't stop
it...and I don't know how long it will take to go away.
When I talk to Shawn/see him if that happens will it be the
same? That he'll still be here? I don't know how to feel,
I don't know why I still want to deal with this. I
shouldn't, it makes me crazy. I know I need to just go on,
and let it all happen without my pushing. I'm scared of
the outcome sometimes but it's best. I want things to be
like that anyways...so I know that's what is supposed to be
and I didn't screw it up or force it. Reality is just that
and when it's time to be your ownperson...you do that.