Seraph

My Journal
2001-11-25 06:21:14 (UTC)

ramblings and mindless reflections

close the door on your way out...

shut me in tight and lock me up forever.

mindless ramblings, pouring out of my head

spewing from my mouth, draining from my ears

into a puddle on the floor.


my brain...is...a bubble...floating aimlessly in
space...but beseiged by countless irritations,
aggrivations, frustrations, sadnesses and troubles.

so much is said in a period.

.

so final and declaritive. so judicious and fixed. so
straight and narrow. so concrete and immovable.

how i wish i were so marvelous as that. how i wish i FELT
so marvelous as that.

but im not. (cue in the period)

.

kill the bed-fellows of unsavory wickedness.

slay them in their sleep. their blind, arrogant dreams and
fascinations...manifested into action.

kill them all.

or am i a madman, stricken by my own sufferings, both past
and current...

maybe i'm the one that should be killed...if i truly am
crazy.

or maybe i should be killed just to simply escape the
torturing.

who wouldnt want to go to heaven?

only problem is, if i killed myself, i certainly wouldnt
end up there. and i wouldnt want to hurt my family,
although sometimes i feel like they dont care much to have
me around...but i wouldnt want to hurt my mother, my
brother, my father, my grandparents...although they'd live,
im sure. I wouldnt want to hurt my girlfriend...although im
sure she'd live too...and go on to find someone else and
live happily ever after. and me...i'd be alone. forever.
lost in a bottomless hole, sitting, sinking...alone...in
the dark...forever. wouldnt that be wonderful (sarcasm)...

blah...

i just want to find a really good reason to be alive. does
anyone really care to give it to me?

.....


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