valentino da budapesti

the 19th cookbook
2001-11-23 17:10:01 (UTC)

The Budapesti & Natasha show..

The Budapesti & Natasha show continues. I find her at
school today. She looks tired, she looks sad. I really do
not like seeing her this way. And I have a very strong
feeling that her current state is a direct result of
something I did or did not do. We lock ourselves into one
of the colour darkrooms. And I hold her close. And she
holds me clsose, but she is a little cold, distant. I ask
if she is alright. I ask her if she needs to talk.
Natasha wants to say something, she wants to say
everything, but instead she says; "I wrote it all down in a
letter for you. And now I know. She cannot bear being a
casual girlfriend any longer. I am not making enough of an
effort to be the perfect boyfriend, I am not even making
enough of an effort to be a half-decent boyfriend. She
wants more of a relationship, or she wants nothing at all.
And I ask her whether she has made up her mind. She looks
at me, waits for a second, and says; "I guess I have." But
instead of giving me the letter she starts to explain;"you
don't make an effort to seek out my company if I dont
happen to be around. You don't care about me as much as I
care about you...and until now I have been lying to myself,
convincing myself that this doesn't really matter to me.
But it does. I have realized that it does."And we
continue to hold each other gently, I try to comfort her,
she burries her head in my shoulder. And I think
analytical cool calm thoughts. What do I want? Path A or
path B? I think that the outcome of this encounter, and
the immediate future of our relationship lies in my hands.
I can agree with her and say a final goodbye, or I can show
her reasons to stay with me, and try this game of
relationships one more time. I think about the girls that
I could get involved with tomorrow if Natasha and I
seperate today. And there are not that many. I think
about all the girls I could get involved with who would
offer a better relationship than i have with Natasha. And
I can think of none. Sure there are women I'd like to
fuck, and chances are that they would be at least semi-
interested in me. But I know that after the magic of
conquest died, after the magic of new wore off, I would be
in the same and probably far worse situation than what I
have with N. And searching for new girlfriends would take
considerably more effort and energy than I am willing to
spare. And the more time I spend with Natasha, the more I
like her. I know that I don't feel as strongly as she
does, I know that I couldn't say; "I love you," but I also
know that I am not indifferent.
So I make up my mind. If I can then I will try to
hold on to her.
This is a game of chess (I'm being cynical). Prior to
today Natasha felt that I had the strategic upper hand in
writing the rules of how we are together. We were seeing
each-other on my terms. Relaxed, No titles, No
expectations. I see today's adventure as her attempt to
change the rules. "Be my boyfriend, or I can't do this."
And she cries. And I hold her close. But I don't say
anything. I know that if I want to stay together with her
I have to show a significant amount of emotional
involvement. I also do not say anything because I have
nothing to say. I won't lie and profess my love, I will
not ask for forgiveness, and I will not ask for a second
chance. And as far as dramatic gestures demonstrating
serious attachment go, remaining silent is very effective.
This makes her think that I am mad or hurt. I'm not
really. Actually it scares me how unhurt and indifferent I
am to the entire situation. i don't like seeing Natasha
upset, and I will try hard to hold on to her, but I don't
feel any emotions at this time. If she broke up with me, I
wouldn't be traumatized. I don't think that I can cry over
her. The most serious consequence her departure would
cause would be that of sexual inconvenience. If she left I
wouldn't have magnifficent passionate sex an arm's reach or
a cell phone call away.
After a few more minutes of my silence I leave. I
tell her that we'll talk tomorrow. I look her in the eyes,
frowning, and walk out the door. She follows me. "Don't go
away mad, let's finish talking." I keep walking. She
follows me. I say; "I hate doing this at school, we'll
talk tomorrow." But no, she is appologetic. "Please come
back to the darkroom." And she takes my arm and leads me.
Walking back we pass the british girl of my dreams.
And horribly the first thought that crosses my mind is;"I
hope the british girl doesn't think that Natasha is my
Back in the room I say; "I didn't realize that
anything was went from completely happy to didn't give me any warning, any chance to
react...this is unfair." And I try to leave several
times. Natasha doesn't let me. I ask her what she wants.
She tells me what she wants. And without saying too many
words I let her know that I want to stay with her, and that
I will act differently in the future.

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