Damsel in Distress

2001-11-23 15:59:47 (UTC)


well, i worked up the courage to tell T that i love him. i
was afraid to tell him because he is interested in another
girl right now. he loves me still but he is not in love
with me like i am to him, too bad i do not know this for a
fact but im about 99% sure. i had to tell him i love him in
an email. how tacky huh? i feel so relieved like i just
took in a deep air of breath that i have been holding back
forever. thank you to all of you who have bared with me.
the moment of truth awaits and i cannot wait until he reads
it. im a little embarassed of how i told him i still love
him, but its done and over with. i could use a nice brisk
walk right now, but i am still having a bit of trouble
walking. i have a pretty bad back ache.

parents keep asking me what i want for christmas its like
please leave me alone my heart is very sore right now. they
have no clue, nor would i tell them. my family background
is very depressing...i guess ill sumarize, but it might
offend someone even me. i am ashamed of my background


my mom's dad fled france during world war 2. he went to
canada where he met my grandmother who was divorced and had
a daughter. they stayed in canada and married there. they
had two kids there both boys. they finally gained entrance
to the US and they moved to chicago suburbs where they had
a daughter (my mom). she was the youngest of the four
children. my grandfather was very strict he would hit the
kids a lot, not just spankings but beatings. the kids were
not allowed to cut their hair at all. my mother was raped
at age 7 by a neighbor (one of her brother's friends) while
her brother stood by and watched. they were strict catholic
and most of my grandmother's sisters had many kids (one has
22 and 21 she gave birth to). my grandmother was never
faithful to my grandfather. she cheated on him many times
and he was an alcoholic. they divorced, however; neither of
them raised enough money to support the kids. they each
chose 1 kid and the other two went to a children's home. my
grandmother chose the kid from the first marriage which is
my aunt, and my grandfather chose the oldest boy. my other
uncle and my mom went to a children's home. my uncle that
stayed with my grandfather was watching him one
morning...he was drunk pushing a refridgerator upstairs to
the second floor. he slipped and fell the refridgerator
fell on top of him...he died in front of my uncle. i never
knew my grandfather...but sounds like i wouldnt have wanted
to know him if i were alive. when my mom was 16, the rest
of the kids were adults, so she got to move in with my
grandmother. my grandmother owned a house and rented out
all three stories she kept the basement. my grandmother
would drop off groceries and money then live practically
with her boyfriend. my uncle that viewed my grandfather's
death never talks to the family we havent seen him in ten
years. my other uncle is a heroin addict that cannot stay
straight. my aunt and my mom turned out ok...i guess. my
grandmother lives alone in arizona.

there is a lot of racism from my dad's side of the
family...their history traces back since the forming of
america. they ended up staying towards illinois and
kentucky. they were slave owners. they were against the
freedom of the slaves. they are still very racist today.
its really sad. if u marry out of the race u are
automatically out of the family. i do not want to be a part
of this. i was told a story once and it sickened me to the
point where i almost threw up...i believe it was my great
uncle was a sheriff, and he had two deputies that one day
he stumbled upon doing some weird acts. right after the
integrations, he found his two deputies hanging an african-
american man. instead of legally arresting them for murder,
he told them to kill the guy, bury him and turn in their
badges. it sickens me that those two deputies got a slap on
the wrist. it bugs me that my family can be like that. my
father said once in the car "white is right," and i have
heard "if you ever date a black man a white man will never
want you."

T is african-american. i do not love him for his looks; i
love him for his personality. i was watching save the last
dance and i cried. i love that movie. and the song "crazy"
by k-ci and jojo just makes me cry. i do go crazy without
him. i cannot see myself getting close to another guy like
i have with him. i see diversity as a gift. society would
be boring if we were all alike. it sickens me that society
would be so shallow. it sickens me that people would be so
shallow. i love him for what is inside...and what is inside
is all that counts.
i guess you're gifted if you read this whole
thing...especially if you read this whole thing without
puking...thank you.
-damsel in distress