Some Truth Comes Out
Well after my last entry I went upstairs to read/rest
for a bit, during which time Mike called, saying he and the
Kitty were coming over. I fell asleep, woke up when they
arrived, and we called and then picked up Frances. We went
to Blockbuster and rented this horrible 49 cent movie (mind
you, I had no part in this, I stayed in the car...never
doing that again) called 2 G's and a Key. Kat and Mike (
who are now offically together, by the way)
snuggled/cuddled/made out/ fucked on the couch while I sat
with Frances on the loveseat... it was quite difficult to
keep to what I wrote about earlier since he really wanted
to snuggle. SO, what the hell, I gave in. Sometimes people
just need to be wuvved, so I gave him wuvvins. After the
terrible movie I brought Frances home, and Kat and Mike
just left. So here I sit.
Backtracking a few minutes or so, while we were on the
couch I said something about my move to Florida and Frances
said something along the lines of, "Well since you're
deserting us in a month" or something like that. So on the
ride to his house to drop him off, we talked about it, and
continued talking about it for 20 minutes or so in his
driveway. Turns out he isn't so upset about about me
leaving because I'll be leaving- he has this feeling "My
spider instinct" he called it- that something bad is going
to happen to me, that I'm going to dissapear off the earth
or die or something. I asked "So that's why you're so upset
at me leaving? I thought you just didn't want me to go,
flat out. Why didn't you tell me this before?"
"You didn't ask," he replied, which made no sense and I
told him this. I didn't think to ask that because I didn't
figure such a thing being a concern that would cross
anyone's mind. I said as much to him and all I remember him
saying was, "I can't help it. I'm worried about you; I care
about you a lot and I don't want anything to happen to you."
I wish I could promise him that nothing would, but I told
him if something does he can give me a big old "I told you
so". And if I'm dead, he can say it to me at my funeral.
And such and such... I told him he should know that they
(unless you're an idiot, you should know who "they" are)
mean everything to me, and that if I for some reason to
stay, it will be because of them and not anything else.
(Which, in case you're wondering, won't be happening). I
told him that he should know that, and it saddens me if he
thinks otherwise. I don't mind if they don't agree with how
I'm doing this (which they don't, understandably), but I
don't want to feel like I'm losing him (them). I don't want
to leave thinking, feeling or knowing that they hate me for
doing this, and for the way I am doing it.
What he basically said to me was that he'd be more
supportive if I wasn't going into this blindly (I guess I
am, in a sense, but to me it doesnt seem like I'm doing
this as halfassed as everyone thinks and even if I am,
well, that's my life), that he's worried, and he thinks I'm
going to die from this. I told him well, if I do, I'll die
doing something I wanted to do, so I won't mind.
He really shouldn't worry- at least not once I'm there, or
gone on my way, anyway. It won't do any good, if I'm in
trouble, he won't be able to save me and niether will the
rest of them. I'm going to worry like crazy about all of
them as well, but I know they'll take care of each other,
because that's what we do. When I'm there, it's going to be
me and Tiff taking care of each other, and that's it.
There's not going to be a Kat or Maria or Steph to cry on
over something stupidly girlish. There won't be three guys
who are willing to protect me if need be. (At least, I
think they would...) I stupidly mentioned this too, and
then realized that it wasn't very reassuring to him.
Eventually I didn't know what else to say so I touched the
side of his face with one hand and said "I'm really going
to miss you, Jon," and hugged him close to me.
I'm going to miss all of them- Frances, Jake, Mike, Norty,
Maria, Steph, and Kat mostly. The regulars. Seth, Bob,
Picard, Stevens, Robin, Jess, Clay and Noah are up there
too. Oh well, nothing I can do about it except stay and I
won't allow myself to do that, no matter how frequent or
serious my second thoughts are. And who knows? Maybe
Frances is right- maybe I will die on the way there, or
when I am there- maybe I won't. But at least I'll have
gotten to say good-bye.
Current Music: Anna Begins- Counting Crows (Well, it's
stuck in my head, anyway)