Blue Castle reverie

My Saga
2001-11-23 04:03:44 (UTC)

Hero worship

I just realized something... I think that this is the first
year that I haven't felt belittled by Laura. It's not that
she's mean; she's one of the nicest people I know, but ever
since I was a little girl, she's had this, sort of, place
of awe for me. She's about a year and a half older than
me, and she was always so "cool" and grown up. I spent the
better part of our visits trying to impress her, but
somehow I always came off feeling inadequate. I can't
explain it very well, but somewhere along the way, the idea
was implanted in my mind that she was the cat's pajamas,
and everything I did had to measure up to her. And I still
admire her, but I can feel good about myself at the same
time now. I still tried to look nice, but I didn't obsess
over it the way I used to. I still think she's great, but
I don't think she's perfect... and I don't have to be just
like her to be great too.