2001-11-22 08:51:03 (UTC)

Gaia And Shameless Recollections

Card pulled for tonight: XXI, The World: Gaia.

"Experiencing a connection with the universe; a sense of
expansion and hope".

Yes, the "interconnection of all of the world".

And all I was thinking about was how beautiful he looked,
leaning all the way back in the driver's seat in the dark,
with the rain-spattered windows behind him. In the endless
loop of my mind he is laughing, and in reality we were too,
though I can't remember exactly what about. Does it matter?
In terms of The World, does it matter what Jaicen and I
might've been laughing about tonight? Not to me, but to the
rest of existence, it's less than trivial.

But our moments are everything to me.

I can't stop thinking of this one magic Sunday night, weeks
ago. What a sequence of surreal moments, what indelible
images forever fused with my mind. Simple pictures that
seemed to me film-stills of what the future could be.
Jaicen, lying back on the bed but with his feet on the
floor, one strong arm back supporting his head and the other
resting on his pudgy stomach as it rises and falls with his
breath. We're watching television, and he looks up at me -
for once I can look down on him because I'm lying on my side
- yes, he looks up at me with those eyes and he smiles.
We're laughing. We're laughing at something or other again.

Later that night, we stand in my driveway and watch the sky
darken and cloud over. We pray for rain, and as I look from
the stars and planets back to him again, I silently and for
the thousandth time declare my love for this boy to the
heavens, and make the same wish once again.

This is not a matter of choice anymore. It's not a matter of
change. At this point you might as well ask me to jump over
the moon, and I could give you better odds than if you asked
me to stop loving Jaicen.
Has something ever happened that you felt you had been
waiting your whole life, saving up your whole life for? And
you didn't know it then but now that you do it's a sheer
impossibility to go back the way you were?
If you don't know what that's like, put yourself in my shoes
and you'll know.

Books, songs, those terrible lovey-dovey couples always tell
you: when it's real, you will simply know.

Well, I know. This is what's real. And you want to know a
secret? Most of the time, it doesn't even matter that I
don't know what's going on in his head [or in his pants] and
that he doesn't feel the way I thought he might by now. It's
enough usually only to be with him. Laughing.

It's only when I try to analyze our situation rationally
that it hurts. So I say, FUCK RATIONAL, because we care
about each other and it would be a tragedy to let a thing
like differing sexual attraction get in the way of whatever
we've made for ourselves over the past fifteen months.

Whether or not his pupils dilate when I walk into the room,
is not of interest to The World. That we love each other and
are there for each other, that, I'm sure, is the concern of