Claudia

once again
2001-11-22 08:17:39 (UTC)

it's funny how...

I haven't talked to Shawn in, gosh I don't even know how
long. Week, week in a half. I'm not too bothered by it
either. He hasn't made an effort and I'm done with the
trying. i goto Florida in 6 days and I know I'll have a
good time. I'll see him and he'll see how great I'm doing
and feel like shit. I can't make someone do some thing and
I've come to terms with that. Now, all it is, is if he
shows up and I don't have a man then that's all good. I'm
done waiting and playing this game. He means the world to
me and this is tearing me apart but I'm killing myself by
all the wondering and hoping when I knew this would
happen. Robert is pushing the togetherness thing and I
don't want it. I made that clear. We had sex last night
and everyting he did I didn't want because Shawn does it 10
times better. I can't do this right now. I need time to be
me...like Jason says. He's my best friend right now,
besides Amica. He is someone I can talk to without
judgement and he likes me and doesn't even know what I look
like. That's a good guy right there and I wish I lived in
Michigan because I would love to start something with him
when the time is right. But I just hope that things work
out well for me here. I'm being myself for a while and I'm
liking it. I feel better about who I am. I want sometimes
to just succome to Robert but that's not good. I don't
want a new relationship and I don't want to worry about
someone again...trust, love, caring. Not for me right
now. So if Shawn comes in February cool, if not then I got
my answer. Well, I'll have that in a week when I go see
Amica's pysicic. Things will work out. It's funny one
minute you think the world is ending and the next you still
feel like shit but you just know they wont. You just
know...