snowblind

Voices in My Head
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2001-11-22 07:48:45 (UTC)

Blood stays...

when i was little i use to faint at the site of blood...
i'm not sure why its just how it was. my older brother
thought it was funny, he use to chase me around the yard
when he'd fallen and cut himself trying to make me faint.
but i guess that's the kind of things older brothers are
supossed to do. *shrug*

i did manage to overcome this somewhere along my growing
up, not sure when. it still bothers me though... i can't
eat meat if it's bloody or the leat bit pink, i even cut my
hamburgers in half before i eat them just to make sure.

so it really comes as no small surprise to me that a friend
of mine would have died if no one else had been home that
day. about four months ago one of my roomates tried to kill
himself in my bathroom. i remember being asleep and hearing
him crying... my first instinct was to go back to sleep and
forget about that fact that i was pissed with him for
waking me up with this. he is known for being depressed
quite alot, most of the time actually, so it was nothing
new to hear him crying at weird times of the day or night.
just as i was falling back asleep i was hit with the
realization that there was something different about
this... there was a sound i recognized hidden in his
crying... PAIN! i could feel it as well as hear it, i know
it all too well, physical pain not just emotional. i jumped
out of bed and ran down the hallway we share and saw him
standing over our bathroom sink bleeding everywhere. i have
never seen that much blood, our whole bathroom just seemed
to be red. i took a step towards him and i almost colapsed.
i quickly turned around and went to get my other roomate.
after i clued her into what was happening she ran into the
bathroom and he was on the floor... he had fallen down
while i had gone to get her. she grabbed the bathroom
towels and held them over his wounds... but i was completly
useless... i couldn't even go in there with all that blood.
after calling the paramedics i went out to meet them. lucky
for us there was a station not two minutes from out
apartment. when they got there they had to move him into
the livingroom to bandage him, they couldn't fit in the
bathroom... they moved him to the couch and badaged him up,
he was slightly concious at that time and my other roomate
was giving the paramedics his information. then they took
him away. she got dressed to meet him at the hospital, and
had me call a friend to come and get me so i wouldn't be
alone. she handed me three packs of cigarettes and headed
out the door. apparently he had brought home a carton with
him a few hours before on his way back from work... as well
a some alcohol to get good and drunk before trying to kill
himself.

all i could think about while waiting for my ride to show
up so i could get away from here was...

there's blood on my couch... i stared at the blood watching
it dry until my friend showed up. after lighting a
cigarette while getting in the car i couldn't help but
think it was rather considerate for him to get us
cigarettes, with what he had planned for us to wake up to.

does that make me a terrible person? not feeling more upset
about that fact that he almosted died... i was more pissed
that there was blood on my couch.

we were evicted a short time later when we couldn't pay the
rent... i threw the couch away. mainly because blood stays
and i didn't need it to come with me any futher in my life.


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