bluff before i

my life, my world, my mind, my soul
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2001-11-22 07:16:16 (UTC)

i don't want to lose him...

today is my sisters birthday...i just looked at the clock
and i read 6:12. that's extremely strange...well today is
her birthday and things didn't go out as planned.

i talked to a counslor about the guy that bothered me
yesterday and we made an appointment to meet again today
but this time with him present. it was scary. i got pulled
out of a class buy the peer counslor that i was talking to
and at the same time i was called up to the office with the
same guy. by the time i got there he was there sitting in a
chair waiting to be called in. then he asked me "you got
called up too?" i told him yes and i sad the furthest from
him. he came up to me to apologize for what he did. he was
clueless as to what he was in there for so i told him that
this was the reason that we were there for. he said that he
understood that i told someone and that whatever happend to
him that he wouldn't hold it against me because he probably
deserved it. i felt bad since he had already apologized. i
was ready to ask him if he wanted to leave the office with
me. but the counsler walked in and called us both in. he
almost cried because he didn't know what he was doing to
me. after he got yelled at, he asked the counslor if he
could talk to me alone. she asked me if it was okay and i
said yes and she left us alone and shut the door. he told
me again that he was sorry and thanked me for making him
realize that he's an asshole and that he needs to change.
he told me that he's gonna try real hard to change, and you
know what? something in his voice tells me that he's really
going to.

i got home and talked to my boyfriend. i want to take
everything back that i said but it's probably too late
now...i'm stupid and immature. i don't think that i
derserve him. he deserves better. i wish that i could be
what he wanted and needed me to be. but i'm not sure i can.
the best person that i can be is me and it's sadly
unchangeable. i don't care if we're not together forever,
yes i can honestly say that i hope/hoped that we will be.
but today i care about him and i know that tomarrow i will
too. maybe i'll care about him more than he cares about me
but it's nothing that i can fix. i want to live for today
and not for the future and i don't know how that even came
up but i'm hurt. not to the point where i want to cry but
to the point where i don't know what's true anymore. all i
know is that i need him now. if what i feel for him today
(which is what i felt for him yesterday, a week ago, or
more than a week ago)is love then let it be love. if not, i
still care about him deeply.

every word in this^^^part of the entry stabs me in the
heart, so i'll stop.

i don't want to lose him...