Fishnet Goddess

Rainbows, Ice-a-ma-cream, and Lemonade
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2001-11-21 17:53:45 (UTC)

I'm a stupid fat cow!!!

I think I'll talk about the past week in chronological
order, and save the fat cow bit for last. Let's start with
last Friday. On Friday, I was at work until 6:30, making
sessions and getting supplies together for Manhattan Beach
and Brentwood. It really sucked, except for the fact that
Ryan was there with me, helping me get everything together
so we could get the fuck home. We finally finished at 6:30,
and got home by 7:00. For once, I think we stayed sober on
a Friday night. We had a sleepover night (just the two of
us), and both slept downstairs :)
On Saturday, Ryan took me out on a date :) We hardly
ever go out and do stuff anymore, due to lack of money, but
we did on Saturday, and he even treated me to everything!
It was really nice. We stayed home all morning, watching
lame t.v. shows and playing on the computer, and then we
went to see a movie, "Life as a House" at the independent
film theater in Laguna Niguel. It was the best movie. I was
crying really bad at the end of it. I hope it comes out on
video, I don't know if independent films do that. Ryan
loved it too. He said, "That better win some awards", and
Ryan is always a critic. That says something :) Afterwards
we went to Nickel Nickel, which we haven't done in months.
It was less fun that we remembered, probably because it was
full and Ryan hardly got a chance to play his favorite
games, and I only like ticket winning games, and half of
them were broken. I only got to play ski-ball twice before
that machine broke :( But it was still nice just being out
having fun with Ryan. Afterward we got stoned and drove
around El Toro and Mission Viejo, stopping at a park and at
Starbucks. It was fun.
On Sunday, we met Stretch and had our first pre-
marital counseling session. He's nice, I'm glad he's young
too. I feel more comfortable around younger people. We got
our workbooks and actually went over one of the chapters
yesterday, about what our expectations are and how we
handle disappointment. It was good, and we still have a
little more to go over today (Wednesday).
Okay, now for the fat cow part. Yesterday I went to go
try on my wedding dress at Alex's Tailoring, and it was the
most embarassing situation I've ever had to be in. Ryan,
Shelby, Daniel, my dad, and my brother were there getting
their tux fittings, and Katie had come along too. I tried
on the dress, and it zipped up, but it looked bad. I was
practically busting out of it. And I half expected this,
knowing that I bought the dress too small and there's only
so much I can do. It zipped up fine up until my chest. My
boobs are just too big, I'm sorry! Jesus Christ, there's
nothing I can do about it. Anyway, she walks me out of the
dressing room so everybody can behold my obesity, and Alex
is like, "Still doesn't fit? You said to let it out as far
as it goes. We let it out as much as we could. Are you
going to lose weight?" Then he turns to Ryan and
goes, "Don't feed her supper," and then he laughed! Fucking
asshole. I swear to god. And he did this in front of
everyone, including some guy I didn't even know. Alex
doesn't know me. He doesn't know that I bought an excercise
bike and I'm on SlimFast (which made me throw up last week,
by the way). I am trying. It's not like I like being fat.
And it wasn't as bad as he made it out to be either, at
least it could be zipped up. Even if I lose weight, I'm
still going to have this gigantic chest. If I can't fit
into it by a week before the wedding, they're going to have
to add material. It'll work, but it'll cost more money,
dammit. I hate myself. And guess what? Tomorrow's
Thanksgiving, at Ryan's mom's house. I can't refuse her
food, and I really would rather not eat anything. Ever
again. I am such a cow.
I think I'm gonna go now.