writings on the wall
2001-11-21 11:37:24 (UTC)

the 3 little words...

I remembered that I was really careful when I was with
Stanley, afraid that I might unconsciously blurt out the 3
little words "I love you". And boy was I glad when he said
it first. I always assume that guys are afraid of saying it
so I felt touched and told him that I loved him too. I
think he said it twice during separate occasions. So what
happened to his love? Sometimes I felt like he was only
using me...for sex. Or did he dump me because I was not
good in bed?

The first guy I had ever had sex with, the first guy
that I have ever loved in my twenty years of life. I will
always remember the day he said that he was "honestly not
ready to give up his bachelor life yet", it hurt me so much
that I could almost hear my heart break. I think I cried
myself to sleep almost every night for almost a week. After
that, I did not have any tears left but I know that I kept
having memories of us together.

Deep down inside, I am so afraid. Afraid that I'll
fall in love again, afraid that some other guy that came
along will break my heart the way he did. I know that I
can't live without love and that I need to give other guys
a chance but how can I do that after what he had done?

I was talking on the phone with Louis last night and
we were talking about my r'ship with Stanley. He hurt me
when he said that "you had only known him (Stanley) for a
month and you had sex with him". Sometimes I wonder if I
did the right thing by having sex with him. Stanley also
said that he was confused with our r'ship that everything
is blurry to him because we are moving too fast. Ain't I
supposed to be the one who say that?