My Life: The Best Soap Opera Ever Writte
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2001-11-21 07:20:50 (UTC)

MAD CONFUSION *In The End by Linkin Park* 11/21/2001 2AM

I wish I knew some answers. Part of me wishes I could see
the future. I know that it would be basically a boring life
if i knew what gonna happen all the time. Right now, I just
feel really lonely. I reall miss Steve alot. I know he has
that medical issue and can't sit down at his computer alot
cause it will hurt his ass. I understand that...but I just
wish he was here. I am in a mad state of confusion cause
parts of me knows he is gonna go back to Juan and he is
gonna give him a billion chances and he will never ever
want to be with me. I believe that once June comes..I won't
even see him. I mean, why wouldn't Juan do everything in
his power to make steve happy while he is in DC for the
next 6 months. He would be a total idot if he didn't try to
make steve realize how much he loves him and wants him.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! I know he loves Juan and there is
nothing I can do. I also know that there is nothing I can
do till June about this situation and it just pisses me
off. I love steve with all my heart and I just don't know
what to do. I know he loves me too, but the fact that I
know where he is, and who he is with...drives me kinda
crazy. I wish he was in my arms everynight..and the truth
is..he may never be there again. I am starting to wonder if
I should even try to wait for him..but I do love him. He's
the best thing to ever happen to me. I know I have TONS of
other shit to worry myself over..but he is always a factor
and I just can't overlook him. He made me feel like a real
special person while he was here. He gave me some hope..but
know I just don't know. I talked to him the other day about
how I think Juan is trying to destroy us and he wants
PROOF. I think we have enough so far. And I am sure Juan
demanded an answer when he returned from L.A. and steve
probably already told him that he wanted to give him
another chance. I know I sound like a whinning brat..but I
just wanna know. I want some answers. And today I thought
about shit..and I was I even matter? Will I ever
really matter? I am the one that has the most to lose in
this situation. Steve is my best friend, but I want more. I
am madly in love with him, and I do believe he does love me
too..but he's just too good of a man. He has given Juan a
million chances already and he doesn't realize that. I
don't know what to do. And I don't know why I am
questioning steve. He has always be open and honest with
me..but I just don't know. I mean he has a better life
there...and why would he leave it? I hate the fact he has
to stay with Juan till June but there is nothing that can
be done. Just thinking about them cuddling and kissing
turns my fucking stomach. Am I too in love with him? I told
myself today that I was gonna stop telling him how much I
love and stop asking how things are going at his house. He
should just tell me. I told him like 4 times today that I
loved him and he didn't respond once. I know he says that
he is not the type of person to tell someone that he loves
them just cause they say it to him..that's fine and
dandy..but nothing :( I sent him that Thanksgiving
card..and no thank you. What is all this suppose to mean.
Right now part of me is say fuck it..and never
talk to him again....but it;s not all his fault. I think I
should have just kept my mouth shut when I was thinking
about telling him how I really felt In Oct. Things could be
alot better. I mean I love him so much that I rarely find
other guys attractive to even try to talk to them . I dont
even want to have sex..unless it's with him. My last time
was with him..and I want my next time to be with him. Does
that all make sense? I really don't know what to do. I
haven't even jacked off since he left Nov. 6 and here it is
Nov. 21. I have thought about it..just dont have the urge.
I want to be able to give my whole self to him again come
June. But like I said before..June may never happen for he
and I. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh!!! I gotta find something to
do...I really do need help. But I guess I can only help
myself. It's always on me :( Shit...I don't like this..but
I knew the situation before I got myself into it. And now I
feel somewhat stuck...cause I am in love with him. I can't
leave his side. I dont wanna leave his side. I just wish he
was here to hold me and tell me everything will be alright.
Maybe in time. I guess I better close now...i am just
getting more upset. I just think...What the hell else can
happen? Nothing I hope.