Death's Shadow

A Moment's Ponderings...

My thoughts are confused and muddled. I know now he likes
me too but both of us are too shy to say so. We stay at
arms lenght, so far and idstant form each other. I wish to
just get closer though it is just a faint and foggy dream of
mine and maybe his too.
All of these wods are too distant in life. I am a
friend, no, not even that. I am an associate in class to
him. I wonder still what he thinks about me and what I am.
I don't want him but yet I long for the moments when we are
together laughing and talking like there is no end to our
days together. Yet I still cry in my heart when he leaves
me alone in a sea of people without his presence. I say to
my self too often every day 'Ordaca, it is so soon, too
soon, after you just got over my last crush. You can not
truely like another so soon. Not yet.'
Thenin my mind i question the term soulmate. Do they
slowly fall in love like the joining of a river and the sea?
Or do they just see each other and then know right away that
they were meant for eachother forever? The first is more
dramatic, but I belive the second one; if the first one is
true you might not giva a relationship enough time to form
and then you will walk away from your one and true love,
never to see them again.
If that is so then I can like Ross, yes that is his name,
with out a second thought about that bastard Mitch, who will
never again get my trust. Mitch tortured an innocent and
pure-minded angel, me, to love him. Wait, love is the wrong
word, I was obsessed over him; but I never truely loved
Mitch. That was just a great illusion that I made and it
was so good i fooled even myself. I now realized that I did
not love Mitch.
Maybe some day in the future Ross will say he likes me.
I hope that day is before I go completly mad for right now I
am slowly losing my rational mind.
Every day I have to sit every two hours or so for a few
minutes with my eyes closed to calm my mind and my nerves.
After two hours the effects of the moment of silence wears
of and I get tense, irritable, rude, and I can not sit still
for a second. If I do not treat myself with a moment of
silence now a days I sometimes get headaches, my sentences
and words start to make no sence at all, I ay what ever I am
thinking at the moment, and I get mad with or about every
single little thing. The only other thing that helps, but
not so much, is writing. I do not posess a clue why except
maybe it helps me release all my anger on paper. So at
school I write insted of siting with my eyes closed for a
minute or two. I write all the time now since it helps me
so much. I hope I can actually write some good stuff once
in a while insted of rambling on about boring stuff.
I belive now you understand me more. What is wrong with
me you ask? I still wonder myself. Until I find the
answer, I will remain the same. I don't want to stay the
same, Ross liking the tense freak that can not sit still
indeed, so I am otu here searhing for the answer to me.