Joshin Jane

shivers

i've got everything but it's just such a lonely night.
i've only spoken to matt twice in the past 4 months, and
those conversations haven't been deep or anything, but i
can't get him off my mind.
there must be some reason that neither one of us has moved
on, right?
not that i haven't been "loose with my affection," but
emotionally, comparatively, i've only gotten trivially
attached.
when you've only met someone once, even if it was the best
hook-up of your entire life, chances for an immediate
emotional future are slim and unstable.
becky asked me the other day who i would choose if i had a
choice between matt and jon.
i said matt, because he's not as flaky and lives closer and
i mean, we have a history.
that never goes away.
even if he doesn't miss me.
if life were ideal, of course, jon wouldn't live far away
and we would be close enough friends that he would need me.
i need to be needed.
oh i've completely lost track of myself...i don't know what
i was talking about or where it's going but i know i need
something and it's not here and i'm not expecting to just
sit back and let a relationship happen for me but i don't
know where to look or what effort to put into it.
i feel like i'm walking around a cave, cold and naked
(because when are you more cold than when you're naked?)
and sometimes i stumble across remnants of fire pits that
won't start up again and i can see the faint glow of a
roaring fire somewhere in that maze of a cave but i can't
find it...

[eve 6]
Are you willing to be had?
Are you cool with just tonight?
Here's a toast to all those who hear me all too well.
Here's to the nights we felt alive.
Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry.
Here's to goodbye,
Tomorrow's gonna come too soon