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2001-11-20 12:18:56 (UTC)

i realize...

I have a lot of issues. Mostly about guy issues. I can't
help but feel disgusted by myself. I was supposed to be
stronger than this. I didn't want to be this whimpering
little person.

How life plays you... I thought I had T, even thought we
were together. Now, I can't be sure. I thought he really
liked me, and not just cos of sex. It really shattered me
when I realized that wasn't the case. I really liked him a
lot. He had my heart the first time we met. The setting was
so romantic, and he was just so sweet and nice. I can still
remember how it was like. And now, it has turned out to be
completely different from how I wanted it.

It was totally weird out. We just stopped talking to each
other. We were both shy and proud at the same time. Waiting
for each other to start the ball rolling. Then, the absence
became too long to be considered normal and I had doubts. I
was angry and confused.. so confused. How could it be
possible to love and hate someone so much at the same time?
How my heart was wrecked!

I still miss him a lot. Sometimes when I'm online, we'd
chat a little over icq. Damn my pride. Its the reason why I
will never call him up. But dammit, doesn't he realize I
love him so much? Couldn't he tell? Did he think it was a
fling of sorts? If he did.. migawd... my heart is going to
break again. It really hurts.

I think I shall go online and see if he is online.

C called last night. He msged me, but I was sleeping and
didn't hear it. When I didn't reply, he called me instead.
He wanted me to go over to his place at 3am in the morning.
I told him to come over here instead cos I was kindof
already sleeping. His place is about 5-10 mins walk away. I
guess he was determined not to let me have my way. He
refused to come over cos it was always him who came over. I
didn't want to go over cos he had a roomate. I didn't have
a roomate. So wouldn't it make sense to come over to my
place? I whined, he got pissed, and said "forget it".
Well, that was that. When I called him again, he refused to
pick up the phone. Well, lets see how long he holds out. C
and I have this purely sexual relationship. His gf is my
good fren, so technically, we are having an affair... for
more than a year.... I dun think I can ever trust my future
bfs ever again. I would just like to say that C has the
most beautiful body I have seen on a guy. He is not super
muscular or anything like that, but he is well-built, with
a great body. And he has the best skin ever. Even better
than mine. I just love stroking him while he lies there on
my bed.

Do I feel guilty? A little. A lot at first. I had sex with
other guys before, but this was the first time with a
fren's bf. I cried during the first time when I realized
that he wanted me. He comforted. He was good. It got better
after that. It was quite flattering actually. He had the
hots for me a very long time ago. He said I had great legs.
He doesn't say that now. Now, he says he loves my breasts.

Will I ever tell my fren about his cheating ways? I guess
this will forever be a secret.