2001-11-19 19:37:24 (UTC)

long ways away

well, he's gone. been in australia for quite a while now.
and, won't be back until the middle of december. how am i
doing? alright. it's weird not having scottie here. but,
then i think it's good for me. i'm growing in ways that i
never thought i would. becoming more independant, but
starting to figure out what it is that i want in a
relationship. such as....commitment. i don't know if it's
because my biological clock is ticking. but, i want to
have a life with someone. i want to share my life with
someone and to experience the struggles of it all. the joy
and the laughter. the sadness and anger. and, i'm
beginning to wonder if he can provide that for me. the
willingness to do it. if he can't, then i want to let the
relationship go. because, i think i'm special enough to
find someone that would like to do that.

the problem that i face is that i'm beginning to find that
i'm tooo picky about who i'm going out with. i do know
that riding my harley is part of who i am. and, that i
need a man that is willing to do the same or except that
part of me.

another thing that i'm learning to do is to trust. he's
there, i'm here. i have no choice, but to trust him.

and, that's hard to do. that's what i'm not sure about.
and, that's probably something that i have to deal with in
therapy. i've written to dr. s to discuss that. maybe
that's the next step. maybe it's something that i need to
do in order to learn trust. or, maybe it's part of the