Infiniterocker

hello kitty cat
2001-11-19 17:27:58 (UTC)

Almost forgot...

I forgot to mention this morning..Which I'm quite pissy
about...
First of all my alarm didn't go off..So I was a half an
hour late for school. Katy never showed up..so I paged
her...turned out she was at IHOP with everyone..and she was
like I told you last week......and it was like fuck
you..you told me last week that Paul was going to take
EVERYONE to IHOP in the morning...and obviously I'm not
even important enough to tell...let alone invite...so fuck
that. I'm so fed up with all my friends anyway it's not
even funny. I love each and every one of them. I don't know
why but I do. But it's all so selfish...as long as they..
Individually are happy with what is going on in their own
little worlds, they don't give a fuck about anything else.
They don't even care enough to try and know me...REALLY
know me. I never actually have any REAL conversations with
them. Maybe I just need people around me.....haha. Because
I am weak. Alex has been gone..I don't even put her in the
group category anymore because she's isolated herself from
all that's going on in "The Group"...I don't blame her..I
miss her though. She was the only one I really ever
honestly clicked with. I click with Katy...but there is
something about it. I can't explain it in words. If there
were colors to represent connections ..Alex would be
a faded red..and Katy would be the kind of red you see when
you close your eyes and see that red blob from looking at
the sun too long. The kind that is green..but it's red. You
don't really know what the hell it is. But it's there.
Jason would be deep red. I know anyone who is reading this
doesn't know what the fuck I'm talking about but that's
alright. What I'm trying to say is that I think my friends
are my friends because we all needed each other when we
moved here..I don't think I would have necessarily been
friends with any of them otherwise. I might have been
friends with Katy (this is not including Alex) ...I know I
wouldn't have talked to the boys...as far as Joselin..she'd
probably be one of those girls I'd say hi to in the
hallway. It's weird with me and Joselin. Sometimes I feel
like we have something...but then it's always proved
wrong...like it was all a figment of my imagination. A
hallucination. I'm just in this weird state of mind..I've
been trying to figure out what got me here...why do I care
about people I don't connect with? Well sometimes I really
do think I connect with them..but then other times I think
I'm fooling myself. All I know is the connection I've felt
with Jason....with Jamie...with Tom...with my Mother
even...It's on a completely different level than any of my
friends here. I used to look for people that I could
possibly have connections like the that...when did I lose
my drive to look? What made me forget...
Last night in the documentary Billy said that there are
periods of numbness that he has..when everything shuts
off..because he can't handle it...and then he has points of
realization where he can feel again..when his senses are
alive..and that's how I work ..I used to think that must be
how most people work. Obviously not...but that's what I
used to think. I'm the type of person who wants people to
feel what I feel when I have those realizations¬Ö I want
them to see all the beauty I am seeing at that moment..and
I'm still trying to find a way to tell people..to make them
feel what I feel ..because it's so incredible...and
everyone deserves to feel..that realization. That's how I
know about Jason. Because I don't need to try and tell
him...because I look at him...and I know. It's unsaid ..but
it's there. He understands. He understands more than anyone
ever has.

There is so much around us that no one ever sees...