thehotcarl

november 18 2001 midnight

Well, not alot to say right now. Very slow night at work. I
think that I very well may have lost my best friend. She
won't even talk to me. I'm sur that it may seem as if I
have gone deliberately out of my way to hurt her...
And I ask myself "is it worth it?" and the answer is
invariably, no. But I ask myself "is this reasonable" and
the answer is also no. Not reasonable but I think I
understand it. I seem to understand so little as of late.
She asked me to take her picture off of my website, which I
did, sadly. But the thing is that she has even talked to me
to tell me why she is so angry at me. I mean, I'm pretty
sure I know WHY she's angry at me, but I don't know why it
makes her so angry. I'm a very contradicting person, a
living paradox I like to think. And its my paradox, i
think, that would justify me taking my own life. I cannot
repair the wounds which I seem to create withy every fell
swoop of my tongue and if I weren't such a cowardly son of
a bitch I would make sure i could inflict no more. God give
me the courage to kill myself!!! They say that suicide is
the cowards way out, well I can't agree. It is no easy
task, and it is not an ordeal to be taken lightly. I think
that charging headlong into the unknown realm of the
departed knowing full well that there is NO COMING BACK no
second chances no "oops wrong number" takes far more
courage than simply enduring another day of opression and
repitition, and Its courage I wish I had. Someday I will
gather my resolve and I will die. I am looking forward to
that day.