The Nightshade Princess
2001-11-19 02:07:41 (UTC)


We tried so hard... This weekend was such a
disappointment. A festival he could not attend, a mall
trip that was not to be. For an hour this eve, finally I
saw him. His kiss and his embrace were worth all the
attempts. The cuts on his arm are healing. I finally got
a peek at them today. It made me realize how far we both
could fall, how brusied we had become. At least they
weren't criss-crossing over the veins of his wrist, like I
had done many a time. The scars are still there.
I accidentally mentioned to mother that I was worried
about LesTaT. We sat there and talked for awhile about
cutting sadness, and mentioned being suicidal. I felt as
though I was talking about myself in the third person. She
said that such behavior means that the person is not happy,
and is crying for help. It left me with a really sick
feeling in my stomach. He and I are so alike in the way we
feel, how we've become. It makes me feel a bit like
Juliet. I swear to you that I would die for love.
Anything... just give me an excuse. It made me sad also to
think of losing LesTaT... especially by his own hand. I
couldn't live with myself after that... I am about to
collapse into a little cold, blood-red and pitch black
puddle of 100% pure depressed goth. I got home about half
an hour ago, and father has NO FUCKING CLUE about how I
feel. I really would prefer to keep it that way. He does
not understand.
I feel as though I am bleeding, fading, falling....
Like something irrevocable and wrong is happening inside
me, and there is nothing anyone can do to save me.
LesTaT's presence, his love, does a lot to heal my inner
wounds. I love you LesTaT, please don't die on me...
Somehow we can make it if we just hold on... I know it's
not easy. Sometimes I lose my grip and fall. I know how
you feel.. Goddess, that is such an odd feeling. That
feeling saved my life a dozen times. We are not alone in
this. Someone else in this black-and-blue world feels the
same way, they can connect with us. I believe that we are
the way we are for a reason. I love you, please don't ever
forget that. Someday, it will be just you and I, then our
parents can't hurt us any more. If they only knew how
fragile we were, or how close we've come...