~A State of Perpetual Narcolepsy~
2001-11-18 17:19:07 (UTC)

~Ripped Apart~

Fuck this, fuck that. I read an entry a couple of
days ago that completely says what I feel right now.

You don't know at all. You don't know how it feels to
run through life, sweating, facing anguish and pain, and
then.. at the end... for someone to tell you that it wasn't
a race after all and no one else ran with you. I felt like
I was first, but in five minutes this morning, I was pushed
all the way back to last.

You don't know how it is to rip your skin off your
face, realize you didn't really want to do that, and cry
while you try to put it back on. You did not slit your
wrists in the bathtub, and write on the wall all the names
of the people who hurt you in your own blood. You don't
know what it's like to have blood caked all over your
hands, and to try to get rid of the smell or the taste of

You don't know what it feels like when you find out
that all your relationships were a lie. How people feign
interest and love.

I ripped myself apart, limb from limb. Threw bloody
chunks of my flesh at all the people who have ever hurt
me. And then I ran after all of them screaming. Demanding
them to give back what they took from me.

If I could turn back time, back to a time where I had never
met Daniel Bland or Jonny Andrews, I would do it in a
second. Never have I felt more enraged or betrayed in my

Erase me
Uncomplicate me
Reiterate me
Do whatever you want to me
But don't lie to me.

I will wander around for the rest of my life,
searching for someone who doesn't exist. Searching for
someone who I can trust without hesitation, and who will
understand me for who I am.

I'm going to go take a bath right now. Whatever
happens in the next five minutes... I did for all the right

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