Pandora

Mad Cow

11/17/01

Grapes
the top of a blueberry muffin
fries
cheeseburger
1 can diet coke

11:30 p.m.
So I'm sitting here, when I'm supposed to be doing my paper,
and I'm sobbing like and idiot and I could be doing crunches or
running or something. Everyone went to the row, or a party at this
hotel. I'm sitting here choking on my own bitterness. I suppose I
could've gone, could've drank, but I don't want to. I would do
ANYTHING to get out of this body. I want a do over. And I've been
visiting ED sites and I don't know if they're screwing with my head
or what, but as days go by I grow more and more disgusted with
myself, my body, the fact that I continue to put food into my mouth
at all. Today I went to '84 and ate as if it didn't matter. Then I
listen to the guys go on this morning about how girls flatter
themselves, how T's conceited but it's justified, (and how I could
be like that too, but R just said it to be nice because I was
sitting there) and how Tyra has the best body in the world, and I
know that if anyone saw her in person they'd be like, "She's skinny"
but not necessarily in a bad way and I would do anything to be a
size 5. I don't care how small I have to get. 130. 125. 118. My
ultimate goal is a toned 118, but I don't want that to be a size 0.
I don't think it will be; Rose is 112 and a size 2 and she's 5'9-
5'11. I'm not trying to be that small. I think that's about the
equivalent to...wait. About 120. Whatever, who cares. I'd kill to be
so skinny I didn't trip when I gained ten pounds. So skinny
pregnancy didn't worry me with the weight. Damn, I hate my body. I
don't know if thos sites are helping or hurting. Plus, I binged last
night. Popcorn and tortilla chips and Cinammon life cereal. I really
don't know if I can take this anymore; when I come back from
thanksgiving break I'm bringing my scale. And my journal. I need to
start keeping better track of food and exercise and everything. Even
though I took Xenadrine today, I feel like the cow that I am. I
would feel so much better if I ate nothing but fruit and Coke
tomorrow. Then more of the same on Monday. Maybe a sandwich on
Tuesday. I miss my scale!! I was thinner when I had one. I had to
squeeze into my jeans today. I was mad at myself. I think I really
am gonna diet. I want to be at least 145 by April 1st. That's not
unrealistic, I don't think. But I don't know what I weigh right now.
I suppose if all else fails I could go back to the whole grapefruit
thing, but I'm really anit-grapefruit and aniti-salad right now.
Okay, worst case scenario, 19 weeks to lose 50 pounds (please, God,
don't let me be up that high). That would be about 2.6 pounds a
week, which is do-able. If need be, I'll alternate the grapefruit
thing, like one week one month, two weeks the next, one week the
next, two weeks the next...
I really miss my scale...