citycowgirl97

Saturday, November 17, 2001

Today was kinda boring. We had our grand opening today at
work, so it was pretty crazy at the store. I was supposed
to talk to my parents regarding my future and the decisions
tthat needed to be made like last month concerning my
future. But I guess they have enough going on without
having to deal with me. So I guess that leaves me to make
all the decisions regarding my future and my education on
my own. That also means I am on my own financially, too.
College is sooooo expensive! I am beginning to doubt myself
if I will be able to do it. I might just have to give up on
my education and start my career flipping burgers at
McDonalds or something. But I won't do that. I don't care
if I am going to have to live in my car until I can afford
a place to live. But I have to press on with school. I just
wish my parents (especially my dad, my mom is helping more
now than she ever has before, but she can only help so much
without my dad, you know?) would help me. Even just a
little bit. But they won't even tell me what they expect me
to do. I guess I will just have to go through this on my
own. It will be tough for a long time though, seeing as I
will be completely supporting myself and I only have about
$700 to my name. I am also going to have to find a way to
pay for my classes and my books. I can't get any financial
aid because I am under 24 and still an undergrad, so the
government looks at my parents income when determining
financial need. I wouldn't mind taking out a loan, but the
financial aid officer said the only way that I could do
that would be for my parents to apply for one first. I
can't get one in my name until after my parents apply for
one. And I know that my parents would never do that in a
million years. Especially not for someone like me. after
all, I am a wicked person for having a boyfriend that I
have slept with, so in there eyes my life is already
screwed up beyond belief, so why not make sure my future is
screwed up just like my past? (I, by the way, have no
regrets about that. The only real regret that I have about
my past, is that when my parents DID offer to pay for my
education at the community college, I turned down the offer
preferring the freedom I had to grow up and be myself while
I was working. So I worked full time for 2 years while my
education took a back seat. Now, I am back in school
though, and more motivated and determined than ever. I am
finally going to be finished with my AA degree next month
after 4 and 1/2 loooooong years. The big question is: what
next? like I was saying before, my goal is to get my BA
degree, but there is one problem: my dad says he won't pay
for it, the government already said no, and I don't have
any money. That is why I am working 2 jobs now and looking
for a third. but I kinda don't want to start a 3rd job
right now since I am hopefully moving away in 3 weeks or
so. But I don't know if i am moving away. I would hate for
my parents to disown me b/c I moved away when they had high
hopes of me working working at Micky D's for the rest of my
life. But I have bigger hopes and dreams and goals. I think
I should accomplish what I want instead of what they want
for my life. Is that toooooooooo totally unreasonable? But
they won't talk to me to tell me what to do. But they want
me to do what they have planned for me to do. But I don't
know exactly what that is until they talk to me. So they
want me to live my life running around in circles playing
these childish guessing games because they are too busy to
make a phone call. My mom told me she would talk to my dad
over lunch and she would call me before I went to work
today. But she didn't call. So 10 mins before I was
supposed to be at work I called home. My dad answered and
said that my mom was not home and he did not talk to her.
He was going to talk to her when she got home and for me to
call them when I got home from work and we would talk then.
So I called when I got home from work- a few times. But
they were not home and they did not answer their cell
phones. so maybe I will talk to them tomorrow. Maybe I
won't. But I think I need to stop waiting around on them
because they probably will not be capable of making up
their minds anyway. Maybe I should just do what I want for
me. But what if they disown me? and what if I need help
financially (which I know I will with $700 in my pocket)? I
don't know what to do. I guess the only thing I can do is
do what they want for me to do with my life and if I am
that miserable with my career path at micky d's then I will
just have to deal with it in one way or another then.